Psst…. Did you hear that Laura is sleeping with the boss? Did you know that John came into work drunk last week? That Donna steals her co-workers’ cans of pop from the company refrigerator?

Everyone loves juicy gossip. It’s human nature. But it’s also hurtful to the people about whom we’re gossiping. And too much gossip can prove particularly destructive to an office. In fact, it can tear apart an otherwise well-functioning group of people.

“Gossip is part of human nature. It’s one of the world’s oldest sins, the sin of the wagging tongue,” said Nan DeMars, owner of Minneapolis’ Executary Services, a firm that provides ethics seminars, business consulting and job-placement services. “People want to gossip because it makes them feel important. Unfortunately, gossip can be very painful to its victims.”

Particularly venomous gossip can turn an otherwise productive employee into an outcast, one who’s too embarrassed to speak her mind during meetings or even ask her manager for a raise. And these days, because most people spend the majority of their waking hours in their offices, destructive office gossip can make their entire lives miserable.

A recent study by Britain’s Industrial Society brought the subject of office gossip back into the news. The authors of the study, “New Community or New Slavery,” concluded that some gossip was good for an office. They found that employees feel as if they are part of a team when they participate in gossip, and that gossip helps them form friendships and alliances.

But workplace experts disagree. They say that while office gossip may help some form friendships, it makes others feel as if they are outsiders. When office gossip becomes vicious, it can cause mental and physical problems in its victims, resulting in a less productive workforce.

But there are steps that you can take to prevent office gossip from tearing apart your workplace. If you’re a manager, you can prevent it from starting in the first place. If you’re an employee, you can do your part to stop rumors before they spread. If you’re a victim, you can protect your reputation by taking action.

Ingrid Murro Botero, president of Murro Consulting, a Phoenix-based management consulting firm and corporate outplacement firm, often sees the impact of office gossip. In fact, she saw one of her clients (let’s call him “Fred”) face office rumors as soon as he took a new job. Shortly after establishing himself at a new company, Fred received a telephone call from a former co-worker. After some small talk, the former co-worker asked Fred how his relationship with his fiancée was going. After telling his co-worker that things were great, and that his wedding plans were moving along on schedule, Fred asked why his co-worker would ask him such a question.

The reason? His co-worker had heard during a business reception that Fred had been sleeping with his new boss.

Instead of ignoring the rumor, Fred took the direct, if often uncomfortable, approach. He spoke with his new boss, who then found the source of the rumor, confronted that source and put a stop to the gossip.

This, Murro Botero says, is the best way to handle office gossip if you are its victim.

“The direct approach is the way to handle a damaging rumor,” she advises. “It’s the best way to head it off quickly.”

It’s natural for workers to segregate themselves into groups, Murro Botero says. For instance, women with young children will naturally congregate because they have something in common. These groupings only become damaging to a company when the groups begin gossiping about others in the office, Murro Botero says.

When gossip threatens an office’s stability, managers can take several steps. Murro Botero recommends that managers deal with the rumors quickly, rather than letting them fester. They should speak to the employees involved in spreading the rumor both individually and as a group. Managers should also set up one-to-one meetings between the subject of the rumor and each person responsible for spreading it.

To prevent rumors from starting in the first place, managers should make sure that office communication is always encouraged in the office, Murro Botero says. At small companies, managers can schedule monthly meetings where employees are encouraged to air their concerns about the workplace. At larger companies, managers can set up a hotline number where employees can call in with their concerns, she says.

Employees, of course, have less power to stop office gossip. But they can make sure they don’t become part of it. Employees should immediately walk away when their co-workers start gossiping, business ethicist Nan DeMars says. The gossipmonger should get the hint. If the gossip is malicious, employees should tell their co-workers that what they’re saying sounds like nothing more than a rumor that probably isn’t even true, she says.

“Never encourage a gossip, even passively,” DeMars advises. “Otherwise you’ll get sucked in. You have to be direct to let the gossip know that you’re not interested.”

Walking away from gossip – no matter how juicy the tidbits may be – is not only morally correct, but in your self-interest. “If someone gossips with you, you can bet that they will gossip about you, too,” DeMars says. “Some people love to gossip. They want to gossip as much as possible because it makes them feel important.”

And if you’re the subject of office gossip? Then it’s time for some confrontation. Ashkan Karbasfrooshan, vice president of corporate development and young professional columnist with the online men’s magazine AskMen.com, recommends that employees approach the source of the rumors. By doing this, they can find out why their co-worker spread the rumor and clear up any misconceptions. Once confronted, most office gossips will quickly back down and apologize.

“As a rule, confrontation in the workplace generally isn’t good. But it is good if the truth comes out as a result of it,” Karbasfrooshan says. “Maybe a confrontation will result in five minutes of awkward time. It’s worth it if it can help end the rumors. Don’t forget, you’re not at a schoolyard. You’re at work. It’s supposed to be professional.”

Employees should also refrain from fighting fire with fire.

“If you hear an untrue rumor about yourself, you have to attack it head on,” DeMars says. “You have to clear it up by confronting the person who started the rumor. But whatever you do, don’t respond with a counter rumor. That doesn’t help anything, and it lowers you to the level of the original gossip.”

Employees can also do their part to stop the spread of gossip by approaching the victims of office rumors and telling them what’s going on and who’s spreading the rumors. This then gives the victims the chance to confront the office gossip.

“If you feel bad after hearing these rumors, by all means, talk to the person who is being gossiped about,” Karbasfrooshan says. “You have the right to inform them about what is going on.”

And those workers who thrive on office gossip better watch out. They might one day face repercussions from their rumor-spreading ways. Just ask DeMars.

One of her clients, a top official at General Mills, had just lost his executive secretary to retirement and needed to replace her. He had three candidates in mind, all who worked as secretaries in cubicles just outside his office door. All three had the same excellent qualifications. But something set one of the candidates apart: While her two co-workers started every morning by gossiping about their fellow employees, the third would politely excuse herself to get a cup of coffee, make a telephone call or catch up on some work. The executive hired the third worker.

“The best rule for yourself is a simple one: If the person who you’re talking about hears what you have to say, would you mind?” DeMars said. “If they would, then don’t say it.”

DeMars has good reason for giving this advice. The way she sees it, office gossip never dies. Instead, it circulates from cubicle to cubicle until the subject of the rumor eventually hears it. And when that person finds out you were the one starting the rumor, you may be in store for some deservedly uncomfortable days at the office. The odds are good that you’ll never regain that co-worker’s trust.

So, even though we all know that office gossip is hurtful, and most often the rumors it generates aren’t even true, then why do most of us persist in lapping it up? That’s simple: Gossip is undeniably interesting. Why else would newspapers devote entire columns to it?

“Like anything else, advice on stopping gossip is easier to give than it is to follow,” Karbasfrooshan says.

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But Leslie Minnix-Wolfe knows that there’s another side. Her office romance resulted in a marriage that’s now in its eleventh year, two wonderful children and a husband whom she loves dearly.

“Remember the movie ‘When Harry Met Sally?’ Well, my husband is Harry and I’m Sally,” laughs Minnix-Wolfe, a resident of Reston, Va. “He was always the guy I’d talk to when my relationships were failing. He always came to me when things weren’t working out for him. We became friends first. We have so much in common. We’ve been married eleven years and we’re still going strong.”

Minnix-Wolfe and her husband, Jeff Wolfe, know that they’re the exception. Most workers who embark on office romances are headed for disaster. Like all other relationships, the majority of office romances end with the couple splitting up. If the split is amicable, that’s fine. If it’s not, that’s trouble, especially when the former romantic interests must see each other every day at work.

Even faced with this grim reality, U.S. employees are still falling in love with their co-workers. In fact, it’s happening quite often. According to a survey conducted by Harlequin Enterprises, the Toronto company famous for its steamy romance novels, nearly 40 percent of adults have dated a co-worker, while 72 percent know of fellow employees who date each other.

Meanwhile, businesses are doing little to discourage these workplace dalliances. A study by the Society for Human Resource Management found that 72 percent of companies had no written policy addressing office romances. Of those companies that did have a policy, 55 percent permitted – but discouraged – office flings. Only seven percent had policies that outright forbade such romances.

So, even if it’s generally a bad idea, office romances are going to happen. Fortunately, workers who fall for their cubicle mates needn’t panic. An office romance doesn’t have to mean trouble for a career. Workers can follow several steps to make sure their office love doesn’t get them demoted, fired or laughed out of their company.

Keep your hands to yourself

One sure way for employees to lose respect at the office is to act like lovesick teens. No one wants to see the office manager smooching with the head of the marketing department in the lunchroom.

Minnix-Wolfe and her husband, both software engineers, made sure to spare their co-workers this sight.

“We were an item out of the office, not in it,” Minnix-Wolfe says. “We never started any physical stuff at the office. We didn’t treat each other like we were dating. We were there to work. We weren’t making out in the bathrooms. If that’s your primary focus, anyway, it’s not going to be a successful relationship.”

Judith Sherven and Jim Sniechowksi, a husband-and-wife team of corporate counselors living in Windham, N.Y., say that more office daters should follow Minnix-Wolfe’s lead. Unfortunately, they add, most don’t.

“Some people have to keep their office romances hush-hush,” observes Sherven, a clinical psychologist. “When you’re keeping it a secret, that makes the relationship even more exciting. It’s like sneaking out the bedroom window when you’re 16. Unfortunately, this isn’t a good representation of what the relationship really is all about. It’s more fun being a sneak than it is being in a real relationship.”

“A relationship like this can turn two adults into adolescents,” adds Sniechowski. “That’s the problem with the first part of a love affair. Having a successful office romance requires a real consciousness. You have to be careful to act professionally at work. Unfortunately, with most people consciousness is the first thing to go by the boards when they’re starting a relationship. You have to be more careful when starting an office romance than when you are involved in a romance outside the office.”

Part of being mature in the office includes not dating your boss. It also means not dating anyone who reports directly to you. Doing this leads to all sorts of conflict-of-interest problems. It can also lead to sexual harassment lawsuits.

“It’s really a problem when people get involved in a vertical romance,” Sniechowski confirms. “In this situation, what comes first, business or love? Can you deliver an order to someone you’re in love with?”

Talk about it with your superiors

When starting an office romance, most people initially try to keep their relationship a secret. This, though, can cause problems, especially when a supervisor later uncovers the hidden romance.

Sherven and Sniechowski advise workers to tell their immediate supervisors about their romance. This can be difficult. But often, supervisors can suggest ways to make an office romance less stressful. One member of the couple, perhaps, could work in a different division where they won’t see their partner as often during the workday.

But what of employees whose companies have written policies prohibiting office romances? They should still tell their bosses.

“If the romance is genuine and you’re working in a company where office romances are taboo, then there really is no great way to handle it,” maintains Robin Gorman Newman, a relationship counselor in Great Neck, N.Y., whose website, www.lovecoach.com, offers dating advice. “But you can always get a new job if you have to. If you meet a great guy in the office, go for it. If worst comes to worst, get your résumé ready.”

Date for the right reasons

Today’s workers are logging in longer hours than ever. Some spend most of their evenings or weekends stuck in the office. It’s only natural that they would become attracted to the people with whom they’re spending most of their time – their co-workers.

But this can cause problems. Too many office relationships start only because their participants feel they’ll never have the time to meet a romantic partner outside the workplace.

“Are you attracted to this person because you’re spending so many hours in the office? Is it a situation of convenience or is it a true interest? That’s what you have to ask yourself,” Gorman Newman advises. “Make sure before you begin a relationship that it’s for the right reasons, not because you’re working longer hours and are lonely and desperate.”

Office daters must also be certain of their motives when starting a relationship, Sherven and Sniechowski report. Often, one member of an office item is looking for a casual relationship while another is seeking a deeper commitment. Of course, this happens to couples who date outside the office, too. But those couples don’t have to deal with the inevitable hurt feelings while working with the person who broke their heart.

“At the earliest time possible, you must talk about what each person is looking for,” Sherven said. “You need to have an honest, open conversation about what you have in mind. Ordinarily, you wouldn’t do that. But this is a special situation. You have to make sure you both are on the same plane.”

Some business experts, though, say office romances are rarely worth the hassles they bring. Linda Talley, a Houston author who’s written the book Business Finesse: Dealing with Sticky Situations in the Workforce, is one of them.

“Certainly, a lot of office romances have worked,” Talley admits. “But those are the exception. Most do not work. And they cause great stress at the office.”

Talley says office romances are especially dangerous for women. Females are usually judged much more harshly when they become romantically involved with a co-worker, she says. This happens no matter how much power the female employee holds with the company, she adds.

“People always think the grass is greener,” Talley says. “That’s why they have office romances. There will always be office romances. They won’t go away. But people should take a leadership role when they’re at work. They should say, ‘I’m here to work, not to carry on with somebody.'”

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If You Must…

If you just can’t help yourself and are considering engaging in some office romance, follow these common-sense guidelines:

• Act Your Age – Maintain a professional demeanor at work, and leave the groping for after hours
• ‘Fess Up – Tell your immediate supervisors about your relationship; they may suggest ways to lower the stress level of your office romance
• Avoid Power Plays – Never get involved with someone you supervise; such a romance can lead to sexual harassment complaints
• Be Tech-Savvy – If you’ve ever hit the send button only to discover you’ve mistakenly emailed a message to your entire address book, you’ll understand why it’s not a good idea to write erotic notes to your partner at work or leave suggestive messages on your lover’s voicemail. Plus, employers have a right to delve into your email and voicemail at work; inappropriate messages aren’t a good career move
• Be Prepared – It’s always a good idea to keep your resume updated, but you might need it sooner than expected if your office romance goes sour and you can’t stand to be around your ex any longer