Hanne Blank – BBW Magazine

Penny Wise: Still Sexy after all these Years

Hanne Blank — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 02:12:21 +0000

Some years ago, I was having a rollicking chat about relationships and men with the nearly 80-year-old grandmother of a dear friend of mine when, out of the blue, she said, “You know, they say that if a couple puts a penny in a jar every time they do it in the first year they’re married, then they take a penny out every time they do it after that, they’ll never get all the pennies out of the jar.”

I pondered this rather bleak-sounding prognosis for a moment, thinking that it confirmed a lot of my and my friends’ experiences with sex in relationships – after awhile, it feels like there’s nothing new to discover, and everything sort of becomes old hat, routine – and then suddenly my friend’s grandmother totally derailed my train of thought.

“But I don’t know,” she said. “Me and the mister, well, we never did have a penny jar, but if we did, I think by now we’d be in a pile of debt!”

As it turned out, her 50-plus year marriage was still sexually vigorous and exciting, and she was, quite justifiably, tickled pink about it. How nice to know that it really is possible! We chatted more, and in the years since I had that conversation, I’ve often thought about what it takes to keep the sexual parts of a long-term relationship alive. I’ve talked to long-term couples, psychologists, my own partners, and to my fellow sex educators. While everyone agrees that there’s no “magic bullet” that is guaranteed to keep sex hot forever, it also doesn’t happen on its own. Here are some thoughts, tips, and techniques that can go a long way to help cause a severe shortage of pennies in your penny jar.

Cheap Motel Therapy – A few years back, I wrote an article about liking to go on road trips with my sweetie because I love doing the wild thing in cheap motels. I got a flood of responses from people who were thrilled to know there was someone else who liked cheap motels as much as they did, including many from women and men who used a little overnight or weekend trip to some nearby roadhouse as a way to jump-start their sex lives. Being in an anonymous little room gives us all a bit of a blank slate, a chance to let our wild side out to play. Bonus: you don’t have to wash the sheets!

Reach Out and Touch Someone – “Seventy percent of backrubs lead to sex,” a guy who was trying to seduce me once told me. Now, that may or may not be true – consider the source and what he was trying to accomplish – but it’s no secret that many a sexy interlude begins with sweet touching, stroking and massaging. Been awhile since you ran your hands up the backs of your sweetie’s thighs? Can’t remember the last time your significant other gave you a headrub? There’s no time like the present to trade a few strokes.

Go Head to Head – A little change in perspective can do amazing things. Lie flat on your backs with your feet in opposite directions but your heads side by side. You can still feel your partner’s presence, hear them and talk to them, but you can’t really see them. Do you feel how soft and warm your partner’s face feels next to yours, how intimate that seems? Whispering little secrets, maybe about things you’ve wanted to try or reminiscing about torrid times past, seems to come naturally when you lie head to head. When the talking gets juicy, don’t forget to let your fingers do some walking, stroking your own body and, if you want to, your partner’s head – ears, lips, scalp, forehead and cheeks are all very sensitive to erotic touch. Who thought putting your heads together would get you so turned on?

Schedule Some Nude Time – These days, we all have to schedule time to give our lives a chance, and that includes our sex lives. Pick one evening (or another time that works for you and your partner – at least three or four hours) every week, clear the decks and make it your time just to be together. Turn off the TV, take the phone off the hook, take your clothes off and get comfy. You don’t have to immediately start having sex – that’s not the point. The point is to have a chance to talk, and to remember that this other person in your life is more than just a housemate and a co-parent, but also a vulnerable, feeling, thinking, warm, lovable human being. It doesn’t always end in sex, and that’s okay. Just spending that kind of intimate time together can make for much better sex down the road.

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The Art of the Flirt

Hanne Blank — Sat, 30 Aug 2014 02:00:28 +0000

Many people think of flirting as just an old-fashioned way to chat up a potential date. I, on the other hand, think of flirting as a thoroughly modern art of playful social self-assertion – the practice of a sort of verbal and expressive game that can serve to test the waters, smooth the path and grease the wheels of almost any situation. Flirting can, of course, also be a top-quality means of sweet and serious seduction. But the seductive side of flirting is almost a by-product in many ways: the real art of flirting, the real meat of the matter, is the joy of the chase, the delight one takes in playing the game well.

After all, flirting well is not so much a matter of talent – anyone can make small talk – but of skill. It’s the skill of figuring out how to amuse, surprise, flatter, intrigue and engage the people you flirt with. Do it right, and flirting is automatically charming even in its most G-rated form. Let a little more of your inner Mae West out to play and it can send tingles right down to the toes. It’s fantastically fun, and a lot easier than many women think.

The secret of flirting is to just have fun. Honest – it only works if you don’t take it (or yourself) too seriously. Trust me, attitude is everything! When you’re having fun flirting, everything about you, from your wit to your walk, becomes more attractive – and all you have to do is keep enjoying it. That’s what makes a flirtation successful.

When you’re enjoying yourself, your expression will make it obvious that you are a fun person, out to enjoy yourself and the people you meet, sharing your smile and the infectious twinkle in your eye. Subtle as they are, facial expression and body language are important. Many a fine flirtation has taken place through glances exchanged across a quiet library or a crowded party, an arched eyebrow or a silent giggle speaking volumes. Your facial expressions can be as effective as words, so use them to your advantage. Try on one of the classic flirt facial expressions: looking up at your conversational partner with your chin tilted slightly down lends your face an irresistible look that’s equal parts openness, intelligence and tell-me-more-I’m-fascinated.

Gestures and expressions aside, the mainstay of flirtation is talk – talk that both intrigues and reassures. Intriguing someone is good for all the obvious reasons, but reassurance is necessary, too. Anyone making a new acquaintance wants to know that you have good intentions, that you’re not lying in wait to slay them with some poisonous barb, unwanted proposition or other nasty ambush. Playing to mutual experience – the weather, a particular activity you happen to both be engaged in (even if it’s waiting in line to get your driver’s license renewed), some bit of the immediate landscape – is a good place to start. These kinds of topics are not too personal or threatening, and are known to you both.

At the same time, creativity is worth a bundle. What you want is something innocuous yet a little unusual; something that will catch your flirting partner’s attention and let them know that yes, the lights are on, and someone interesting is at home. “The weather sure has been nice recently,” only counts as flirting if it’s been pouring buckets for two days and you deliver it with a glare at the droplets pelting the window and a saucy, conspiratorial grin. Better still is something more off-the-cuff, like the young man I recently shared an elevator with who pointed to the elevator buttons and said, with surprise, “Wow, there’s a thirteenth floor – that almost never happens!” Almost instantly, we were having a merry chat about noticing evidence of old superstitions in our supposedly too-scientific-to-care world, and having a fabulous chat on our way to the seventeenth floor.

And that is the point of flirtation: to have a fabulous time talking to people whom you otherwise might never have chatted up. Flirting, not baseball, should be the national pastime – what’s not to like about a game that’s fun for everyone who plays it? It can be played by anyone, no matter whether they’re beginners or professionals, and requires no equipment other than the willingness to try.

Not only is flirting easy, available, and fun, but when it comes to romance, flirtation is an utterly fabulous litmus test. You can tell volumes about someone by the way that they flirt with you. Are they quick on the rebound? Do they seem to enjoy making you smile? Does the person you’re flirting with get flustered easily, and how do they react if they do? What’s their sense of humor like? Much of what you can tell about someone by flirting translates into other aspects of a possible interaction – and to be sure, they can tell the same things about you. Listen closely and you may hear the sound of a flirty new relationship going click!

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