Enter the labyrinth walk, an ancient mystical tool that can help us to slow down, gain insight into our behavior, define our life purpose and acquire spiritual maturity.

A labyrinth is a pattern of concentric circles with a path that meanders from its outer entrance into the center and back out again. Often, it is confused with a maze. Unlike the maze, which is filled with dead ends and trickery, the labyrinth is a unicursal (single) path leading to the center. Because there are no dead ends or tricks, one does not have to think in order to walk it. In fact, being able to put thinking aside is one of the major benefits of the labyrinth. “Walking this path and meandering through it is analogous to the walk we take in life,” says Neal Harris, a veteran of many labyrinth walks. “There are lots of twists and turns, but no dead ends.”

Harris, together with his wife Mary, built a labyrinth in their yard, and later moved all 25 tons of rocks to the Unitarian Universalist Church in Elgin, Ill. One of the largest in the world, this labyrinth is 92 feet in diameter. The walk to the center is one-third of a mile, providing time to slow down and release life’s tensions, pressures and fears.

First discovered on the Isle of Crete over 4,000 years ago, the classical labyrinth pattern was one of seven circuits (circles) that ultimately led to the center. In the early 9th century, the labyrinth was brought into the Western world and included eleven circuits with a petal shaped center, similar to the rose window in European Cathedrals. The Chartres Cathedral in France provides a lovely example of this pattern, which is inlaid in stone on the floor of the cathedral.

The prevailing theory is that early labyrinths symbolized religious pilgrimages. According to Dr. Lauren Artress, author of Walking a Sacred Path, Rediscovering the Labyrinth as a Spiritual Tool, and Canon for Special Ministries at Grace Cathedral in San Francisco, labyrinths “provided a destination for the pilgrims when it was dangerous to attempt to travel to Jerusalem.” Today, perhaps they are a symbol of the pilgrimage into our own hearts, where we can hopefully discover our purpose, become more awake and find our true selves.

Because of its meandering path, when walking the labyrinth women often report that they quickly lose sight of just where they are on their journey. Their labyrinth walk begins to resemble their lives, in that while they may feel they are moving further from their goals, in fact their life decisions have all been necessary parts of their journey.

Diane March, who helped the Harris’ lay the Unitarian labyrinth, reports that “the labyrinth is a place for quiet introspection, self-exploration or celebration. Some visitors come to mourn a loss, grieve a failed relationship, give thanks for blessings, or be still and listen to the bird chirping in the nearby trees.”

The labyrinth is an especially valuable tool for people who are used to being in motion. Walking a labyrinth is unlike sitting meditation, which can serve to increase restlessness and distraction in people whose lives are fast paced. “The labyrinth allows for people to move, stopping anywhere on the path, but especially when they arrive at the center,” says author Artress. For many, the walk into the center serves to calm them, allowing them to sit or stand there quietly before beginning the trek back to the entrance.

There are no rules for walking a labyrinth. In fact, one can dance, crawl, skip, or walk along the path, pondering anything or nothing. Artress and many others describe three parts to the labyrinth walk, a framework that can be helpful to those who choose to use it:

1. The walk from the entrance of the labyrinth to the center represents a time of release, emptying or shedding of those things that are obstacles to growth and to our communication with our Higher Power. It is a time to quiet the mind.
2. Once in the center, one is inclined to stand or sit quietly contemplating and discovering insights into their lives and concerns. The center is a place of meditation.
3. As one begins to retrace the steps back out to the edge of the labyrinth, one can use this as a time to integrate, to become more authentic, to resolve, or to become empowered.

In the last few years, interest in labyrinth walks has surged, which Artress attributes to the labyrinth being an ancient archetype, a master pattern that resonates within all human beings. “The circle, which is the most common shape of the modern day labyrinths, is a symbol of wholeness or unity,” she explains. “When people walk into the labyrinth they begin to see their whole life.”

The revival of labyrinths is evidenced by the number built in recent years. Hospitals, including the California Pacific Medical Center, are now putting in permanent labyrinths as a tool for cancer patients and others to walk. A stone labyrinth planned for Littleton, Colo. will serve as a meditation garden dedicated to the students, faculty and families of Columbine High School, as well being dedicated to peace in the world community.

Helen Post Curry, president of The Labyrinth Society, has been taking a canvas labyrinth into the Federal Correctional Institution at Danbury, Conn. once a month for over two years. She reports that the women inmates tell her that this walk and the time surrounding it is the only experience of silence they have during the entire month. Curry also uses the labyrinth for wedding ceremonies, where the betrothed walk into the center separately, pronounce their vows, and walk the path out as a couple, symbolizing their walk through life together.

Increasingly, labyrinths are being used with youth groups, assisting children and adolescents in gaining insight into their own feelings and identity, calming them down, and helping them to share their pain and joy with others. Some labyrinths have been constructed in public parks, on private properties and on college campuses. They are built of stone, mowed into grass, painted on canvas, and even laid out with construction flags or ropes. Perhaps someday we will see them in malls and airports providing people who are rushing and hurrying an opportunity to pause and reflect on their own journey through life, hopefully assisting them in finding the peace for which we all hunger.

Delve Deeper

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If you answered “yes” to any of these questions you probably belong to an increasingly large group of people focused on self-improvement and personal transformation. “It’s in each of us,” says Dr. Marti Eicholz, founder and director of the Institute for Transformation in Kirkland, Washington. “Once our basic needs like food, shelter, sleep and safety are met most of us naturally begin to focus on personal growth and development.” Dr. Eicholz believes this focus is increasing because more and more people in our society have their basic needs satisfied, thus releasing the energy and desire necessary for personal transformation and for becoming better people.

This belief is not new to psychology. Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) described it in his theory of personality. Maslow believed that growth and self-actualization along with a yearning for excellence is perhaps a universal human tendency. He described a hierarchy stating that once our fundamental needs are met, we naturally begin to focus on our higher needs moving us toward self-actualization.

“Self-improvement is unique to each of us. Becoming a better person means actualizing the potential within. There is no formula. It means becoming the best person we can become,” says Rita Robinson, M.A. a psychotherapist at the Rocky Mountain Holistic Health Center in Ridgway, Colorado. “Most personal growth is about being and not about doing,” she adds. “Our culture focuses so much on action that we often forget to be still and listen to that small voice within us. This voice leads us in the direction of self-actualization. Frequently it means removing the obstacles to growth.”

Some of those obstacles to growth include a fear of change, a poor sense of self-esteem and a lack of awareness. “For some, an inertia or laziness can become an obstacle to growth. Sometimes it is just easier to keep doing what we have been doing even if it does not work. In order to overcome that resistance, there must be a willingness and a desire,” says Robinson. “That willingness and desire to grow, to become more, is often triggered by discomfort or pain.”

Dr. Eicholz agrees but adds, “It is too bad that pain is a motivator. We need to be educating children about who they are and about growth so that they do not wait for pain to become the motivator for their development. It is a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-awareness that should be the foundation for transformation. Think about a rocket,” she says, “getting ready to blast off. Think of the energy needed to create that lift and consider how strong the launch pad must be beneath it. You would not build a launch pad on sand or on a shaky sill. Instead you put it on a rock solid structure in order to maximize your liftoff. You will never get anywhere if you start from a foundation of self-doubt. A healthy sense of self-esteem is essential for growth. Once that is in place, self-awareness ignites the process for change.”

If we are aware of how poorly we feel, how unhappy we are, or how our behavior is negatively impacting those around us as well as ourselves, we will naturally begin to look more carefully at the possibility for change. It is at this point that we must go inside to determine our own desires, needs and potential because the goodness within us is unique to each of us. For some it means becoming more honest or compassionate. For others it means developing certain skills. “It is a matter of each of us actualizing our own potential, finding our own fulfillment and believing that goodness resides within us,” says Robinson.

“Too often we grow up trying to please those around us. If this is our primary motivator we lose or never develop a sense of self. I work with parents to assist them in defining their own desires for growth, their ideal self,” says Betty Van Aman, a BBW from Ontario, Wisconsin. “Once parents see how important their own personal growth is and how unique they are, they can pass this down to their own children.” Van Aman has developed a program she calls “Peaceful Parenting and Peaceful Relationships”. In it she meets with small groups of parents assisting them in their own growth process.

When we are happy and satisfied, our goodness surfaces. Like the caterpillar, we are destined to become butterflies. In many of our lives however, that foundation of self-esteem is poorly developed or contaminated by a lack of good parenting, negative messages about who we are, abuse, and ultimately a hopelessness to become all we can become. As a result some people settle for a mediocre life that is lacking fulfillment. They stagnate instead of grow. The metamorphosis into their higher self never takes place.

How then do we motivate ourselves if we lack the self-esteem and self-awareness necessary to growth? How do we get off dead center and move forward if so many messages within us tell us that we are less than our ideal?

“It is pleasure that motivates us for the long term,” reports Kelly Bliss, M.Ed., a BBW in Philadelphia who works with women every day. “Pain,” she says, “is short lived as a motivator. Pleasure, on the other hand, is a long lasting motivator. All of us seek pleasure.” Bliss is a psychotherapist and a fitness professional working with clients on the phone, in person and on line. “Consider the message we give ourselves when we hang clothes in our closets that are too small for us. Every time we open the closet, we see clothes that say, ‘Your body is not the right size or shape. You are not OK.’ These messages eat away at our self-esteem and reduce our motivation for self-care. Get rid of self-critical clothes and get clothes that fit,” says Bliss. “I have art work in my home that reminds me of the beauty and goodness of full-figured people. I surround myself with reminders that people are supposed to come in all sizes.” she adds. “Why would I want to have magazines around that criticize large bodies? Instead I have BBW on my coffee table because it is good for me and for my clients.”

Becoming a better person by actualizing our potential starts at home. We must begin by giving ourselves messages about who we really are. Too often we are repeating the same negative messages we gave ourselves yesterday. Soon we begin to believe them. Affirming the beauty and goodness within us is a starting point. Identifying our strengths soon follows. The development of this type of awareness demands that we live in the present moment. It demands that we know how we feel, what we believe and what we value. We learn this each day as we move through our lives. To become aware that a remark we made hurt someone or that a remark someone else made hurt us leads us to examine ourselves and ultimately to change.

Elizabeth Skogland, M.A., author and psychotherapist from Burbank, California describes the need for a point of reference in our lives. “I was hanging a towel rack last summer. I had removed all the pictures above the towel rack and did not have anything on the wall except the nails where those pictures had hung. The rack looked utterly straight to me, but when I began to replace the pictures they were all crooked. My point of reference was off. If you don’t have a reference point everything begins to look like it is straight and it is not.” Each of us needs a reference point, a framework out of which we view life and participate in life. For some it might be a mentor who lives the values that person wishes to emulate. For Skogland it is her faith in Jesus Christ. For others it might be a purpose such as helping the needy. When that purpose is our passion, we begin to see life through that lens, enabling the actualization of our own potential to be that helper.

One key to realizing one’s potential and thereby becoming a better person is self-awareness. Journaling is an effective tool. Just going into a space each day and writing down what we feel without judging what we feel leads us to a deeper knowledge of ourselves. This knowledge becomes the catalyst for change. Studying what we have written over a period of months allows us to see our predominant pains and weaknesses as well as our desires and strengths.

“If we are never still and we never slow down, we can not pay attention to what is going on under the surface.” says Robinson. “It is like being on a choppy ocean. Our lives are filled with this and that and the little details that take our time and attention. We do not drop down often enough, just a couple of feet into the water, to find the quiet and see what is there. Meditation, gardening, walking, journaling and quieting down allow the thoughts, feelings, ideas and impulses below the surface to emerge.” It is this awareness that ultimately leads to personal growth and transformation.

Robinson assists clients by telling them to take the first step. She tells them that if they look at the entire journey it can be overwhelming. “Consider a lantern,” she says, “that scatters a pool of light about ten feet around you. Your goal is two miles down the road but all you can see is the ten feet in front of you. You can not imagine how you are going to get there with this little lantern. You take one step forward, and guess what, the pool of light goes with you. The thing you need to do next is revealed to you and the light continues to move with you.” You reach your destination!

As we consider the changes we wish to make and the improvements we seek, we begin to see that this demands taking time and seeking out quiet moments. Once we see what it is we wish to change, we must identify the first step. Taking that first step increases our sense of self-esteem and enhances the confidence we need to continue. Obstacles become opportunities that inform us about what we need to conquer in order to actualize ourselves.

“Giving up ‘shoulds’ and becoming real is how I view the path to becoming a better person. I help others focus on letting go of pleasing people and listening instead to their own voices.” says Jody Lowry, a Registered Nurse and a personal improvement coach in Bradenton, Florida. “I spent my whole life trying to please everyone else and in letting them determine who I would be. Now I strive to be true to myself.” Mary Tsukamoto said it well: “I’m suddenly realizing that I have wasted a lot of time just being afraid, and just being polite, and just holding back, and just letting people do just what they want with me.”

The butterfly never doubts her ability to transform, to become a beautiful creature who flies freely through space and time. Each of us has that same ability to transform, the ability to actualize a myriad of gifts, skills and passions; thus transforming not only ourselves but the world around us. We too can transform ourselves if we are dedicated to becoming the person we were meant to be.

Techniques and Tips

Journal: It is amazing what will surface just by writing freely each day for a few minutes.

Meditate: Quiet time in the garden, on a walk, or even in the car allows the voice from within to surface and be heard. This voice tells us who we are, what we need, and what we may aspire to become.

Get feedback: Ask friends who can be trusted to tell you what they see in you that needs changing or what gifts they see that deserve to be cultivated.

Be aware: Living in the moment in order to determine what we feel, who we are and what we value leads us to personal transformation.

Know your mentors: The gifts we admire in others are also within us. Who are the mentors we have chosen? What qualities do they exhibit? Those gifts are within us waiting to become more visible.

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She had achieved her heart’s desire, and one’s heart’s desire is the essence of dreams. Dreams are our passion – those achievements, which bring us real joy. Dreams keep us alive, give us purpose, and bring us the happiness we deserve. They drive us, energize us and give us hope. For a 16-year-old, having a new car is a typical passion. As adults, our dreams take a variety of shapes that can include career changes, relationships, adventure, spiritual and personal growth, creativity and lifestyle changes. The list is literally endless.

As women, we all too often put our dreams on a back burner until we’ve completed something else we feel takes precedence. This “something else” can be child rearing, a need to increase our self-confidence, the needs of our partner, or a job that puts bread on our table. As meaningful and essential as these duties can be, they can disallow the pursuit of our heart’s desire – our dream. As a result, we can feel a lack of fulfillment, a continued sense of dissatisfaction, and even depression. But in fact, by pursuing a dream, we can actually create the energy and joy those around us need and desire from us.

So how do we move into a dream-seeking stance? There are essential ingredients in this pursuit. Katelyn had the determination and self-discipline to manifest her car. Beneath this determination, however, was a belief that she deserved to have what she wanted and that she could actually attain it. Self-esteem and self-confidence form the foundation of dream seeking. These are simultaneously enhanced as we go after those things that bring us joy.

But let us go a bit deeper. Sue, who felt her life was lacking a sense of fulfillment, ran into one of the most common deterrents on the path to achieving a dream – namely the inability to define her dream. Sue’s dream was, at best, hazy and foggy. With the assistance of a personal growth coach, Sue soon learned that her hectic lifestyle was the biggest obstacle to defining her dreams. Her own passions, desires and needs had diminished over the years with responsibility for a full-time job, children, and with a husband who traveled a great deal. The peaceful, quiet moments of solitude Sue needed to birth her dream got lost in the shuffle of busy days. But once she created the space and time in her life to breathe and relax, she was able to remember a longstanding dream of making time for adventure travel. She was on her way!

The starting place, then, on the path to making our dreams a reality is creating a balanced lifestyle in which we carve out daily periods of quiet and solitude. These intervals allow us to gather the motivation and energy we need to take small – but daily – steps toward the definition and fulfillment of our dreams. It is during this time that our intuition can lead us and guide us.

Once defined, the next step in the process of dream fulfillment may involve a good look at our belief system. Asking relevant questions becomes the beginning of this search. Some of these include:

• Do I really believe that I deserve to be happy and to have my dreams comes true?
• Do I deserve to take the time needed to reach my goals?
• Do I believe that I can do it?
• Am I willing to take the necessary risks, and spend the time, energy and money to realize my dream?

When people do not succeed in making their dream a reality, it is because they give up. Fear and doubt are troublesome obstacles that fuel surrender on the road to joy. As amazing as it sounds, people are as afraid of success as they are of failure, because success comes with its own set of expectations. For example, Barbara, who dreamed of having her own business, said, “If I succeed, I will have more responsibility than I can handle.” Her fear of success was clearly holding her back. She was advised to gather a supportive group of dream seekers around her to bolster her when fear escalated. This group also served to hold her accountable and eventually led to her conquering the fears that held her back and ultimately to her reaching her goal.

One must set goals, and goals are basically dreams with a deadline. Look at your dream. Determine the steps necessary to create it. It does not matter how long it will take; the passion of the dream will sustain you on the way. Set goals that are realistic; stay on task by doing just one small thing everyday to bring you closer to the fulfillment of your dream. Crowd out negative thoughts by replacing them with affirmations such as:

• I will make my dream come true.
• I have within me all that I need to manifest my dream.

Slowly, step-by-step, your dream will become reality before your eyes. You will feel alive and satisfied with the life you live. Too many of us, as Thoreau said too well, are living lives of quiet desperation. That quiet desperation is frequently the result of stuffing our dreams down into a corner of our lives and believing we will never have what we desire.

Only you can name your dream and make it come true. Start small, build confidence, and know that when you walk to the edge of the cliff and leap into your dreams, you will indeed fly!

Delve Deeper

Taking the Plunge!

• Risk-taking is inherent in the pursuit of dreams, but don’t let it deter you.
• Don’t be thrown off course by disparaging comments made by those who do not laud your dream. Frequently these remarks come from people who are afraid to pursue their own dreams.
• Don’t get lost in the danger. Risks infer danger and opportunity. Re-focus on the opportunities.
• Look carefully at the risks you encounter. Evaluate what you have to lose if you proceed. Then determine the best path for yourself without succumbing to fears that do not merit your giving up.
• Focus on developing acceptance of and trust in yourself. Risks appear larger and more threatening if we lack self-acceptance and self-confidence.
• Ask others for support, assistance, and affirmation.

Listen & Hear

Create the time and relaxation you need to hear your inner voice of intuition:

• Before and after work, sit quietly for 5-10 minutes to give yourself a chance to regroup and prepare for the next part of your day.
• Buy an inexpensive watch that beeps on the hour. When it beeps, take a breath and remind yourself to be peaceful. This will become a habit.
• Schedule a massage once in awhile to affirm your self-worth and to help you relax.
• Learn to meditate. Create a space and time for this each day. It takes only 20 minutes and will assist you in defining your passion and staying on course.
• Trust your hunches!

Get Started!

Try these exercises as you journey toward your dream:

1. Keep a journal of dream ideas until your primary one emerges.

2. Write affirmations. Put them on 3×5 cards and place them in strategic places to remind you of your vision quest.

3. Cut out pictures and words from magazines that depict your dream. Put them in a basket. Look at them and add to them regularly.

4. Meet on the Internet, on the phone, or in your kitchen with one or more others who want to pursue a dream.

5. Hire a personal coach or therapist to assist you in the development of the self-esteem and the awareness needed for your pursuit.

6. Write your own obituary. In it, define those things for which you would truly like to be remembered and list what you would like to have achieved in your life.

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But as their married life settled into a routine, Lori found herself becoming increasingly annoyed at Ken for minor transgressions – a wet towel on the floor not being a capital crime – and letting her anger seethe when they had disagreements. Small issues would trigger Lori’s rage, and although she knew she was blowing things out of proportion, she couldn’t seem to stop herself.

Lori could feel her marriage disintegrating, and although she loved him, she couldn’t seem to let go of her anger and forgive Ken his foibles.

“Forgiveness feels impossible,” she reported. “I fight with my husband, sometimes over things that don’t even matter. I know the hurts pile up and affect our entire relationship. It’s like I want to stay angry.” Lori felt this as a burden and saw herself as being at a fork in the road: she could choose to hold on to her pain and anger or release it and move forward.

Thus, Lori began a journey of forgiveness, one that required her to go back in time before being able to work on her relationship with Ken.

“All through grammar school,” Lori recalled, “I was taunted and teased by the other kids because of my size. I felt alone and alienated from everyone – the kids at school, my teachers and my family.” Then when she was 13, Lori was molested by an older cousin, yet never told anyone about the violation. With the help of a therapist, Lori recognized that she was acting out her unresolved anger from her childhood and desire for revenge in her relationship with Ken. Lori decided that she had to forgive her childhood offenders in order to have the kind of marriage and life she wanted as an adult.

Yet, forgiveness is much easier said than done. For the most part, forgiveness seems impossible to many of us, especially when the situation feels unfair and extremely painful. If we forgive the offender, we may feel that we are excusing or minimizing his or her behavior. By remaining angry, we tend to believe that we have some control or power over the situation and that we are hurting the person who hurt us – in other words, getting even.

In reality, though, we are the only ones suffering as we tie ourselves up in negativity, believing that our happiness is dependent on staying angry. Revenge is a futile action that only imprisons and further victimizes the victim.

Granted, forgiveness is a difficult and misunderstood challenge, yet it is one of the most healing experiences we can have. Robert Enright and Gayle Reed at the International Forgiveness Institute at the University of Wisconsin-Madison define forgiveness as “a response to an injustice that is a turning to the good in the face of this wrongdoing.” Forgiveness, according to Enright and Reed, involves a “merciful restraint from pursuing resentment or revenge,” and giving instead “the gifts of mercy, generosity and love.”

Too often, forgiving and forgetting are mistakenly intertwined. It is impossible to forgive what we cannot remember, so Lori began her process by – over a period of several weeks – sitting down and writing out a list of all her past pain, associating each one with the person who hurt her.

Lori’s next step was to make a firm decision to forgive the people who had hurt her. She wrote a letter to each one, telling him or her of her decision. While she didn’t actually mail most of these letters – she no longer knew the whereabouts of many of her offenders – she knew that it was the decision to forgive that mattered.

Over the next few months, Lori reread the letters she wrote and struggled with the process of renewing and deepening her decision to forgive. She found her own stubbornness coming to the surface – all she wanted was revenge. When she found herself angry with Ken, she wanted to hurt him back. But she stayed with it, and eventually became aware of a healing process taking place within her. She felt her anger diminish and even began to experience a desire to wish goodness to those who had hurt her, recognizing that each one of them had their own story and their own pain. And she found herself less angry with her husband and better able to have disagreements without launching a thermonuclear war.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean minimizing or negating the seriousness of the violation, and it certainly doesn’t mean staying in the same house or in a relationship with someone who hurts our children or us. Yet a person can simultaneously forgive an offender and testify against him in court. It is not necessary to have an apology or even an admission of guilt from the person who has hurt us before we forgive. In fact, setting up any conditions limits our ability to forgive and prolongs the process.

In the best of circumstances, forgiveness does not happen overnight. The person who instantly forgives should be suspect, as forgiveness is not real if it is done only because we “should” forgive or if it is done without becoming fully aware of all that we feel. It takes time to become aware of the pain and time to recognize the benefits we will reap – by not dragging the anger into other relationships – from forgiveness.

It’s fairly easy to talk about forgiveness when we consider minor events that bring us pain. But what about the woman whose daughter is killed by a drunken driver? What about the loss of a loved one in a drive-by shooting? How do we forgive these actions and why should we? How do we forgive politicians who lie to us, or terrorists who blow up an airplane on which our family and hundreds of other innocent people are flying? Is it even possible to forgive these horrific crimes?

Most of us are shocked when we hear of someone who forgives the person who murdered her child. We may even get angry that they did this, perhaps because their action challenges us to do likewise.

Forgiveness feels risky to most of us. We tend to believe that if we forgive someone, they will take advantage of us again or see us as a fool. If we give up our anger we feel vulnerable, because anger tends to create a false sense of power. The reality is that the real risk is in not forgiving and becoming an angry and cynical person who brings these qualities into other relationships. When this happens, the offender has truly “won,” because we gave that person the power to ruin our lives. That becomes the real offense, and one over which we have complete control.

As Lori reread each letter for the last time, she threw it in the fireplace, watching the symbol of her anger and pain go up in flames. She felt a sense of gratitude and pride in her own willingness to forgive and move on.

This ritual also signaled a new beginning for she and Ken. They began to process their feelings more constructively when one of them hurt the other. Lori felt like she had taken on a new stance in life, one of understanding and forgiveness. It wasn’t that she never felt hurt or anger, but rather once she did, her focus was to come to a place of forgiveness.

Seldom do we see regret when the victim of a heinous, senseless crime forgives. Instead, they usually report a sense of freedom and peace.

Nothing can bring back a murdered child or one killed by a drunken driver. Nothing can bring back the innocence of a young woman who has been sexually assaulted. Forgiveness, however, frees the victim to move forward and create the best life possible for herself and those around her. It is only with forgiveness that we will become the compassionate and loving people we are destined to be.

Mother-daughter relationships run the gamut, but have one common denominator: this relationship is probably the most powerful and influential relationship in a woman’s life. This is true whether the mother is present or absent, loving or abusive, birth mother, stepmother or adoptive mother. Mothers matter more than many women want to admit.

As women, there are many areas that are deeply impacted by the relationship we had or did not have with our mothers: our relationships with partners, friends, and children; our ability to be intimate; and our confidence and self-image. Many of us look in a mirror and see our mothers looking back at us. We speak to our children and hear our mother’s words coming out of our mouths.

As a group, mothers are held to very high expectations. We, consciously or unconsciously, demand that they love perfectly, live selflessly and never make mistakes. Yet mothers are just women with the same needs, the same self-esteem issues, and the same weaknesses and strengths as everyone else. If only we could see that. Instead, daughters tend to lay on their mothers the expectation of being super-mom, while many mothers tend to displace their own needs on their daughters. Thus begin the conflicts.

The good news is that within every mother-daughter relationship there is a potential for growth. The void felt by the woman whose mother died when she was 13 or by the woman who never knew a mother becomes a starting place. The awareness of that void can lead her to look at herself. The pain created by that void can become a catalyst in her search for an identity. It is a call to action, an opportunity to develop and affirm self-worth and determine who she wishes to be.

A woman whose relationship with her mother is filled with conflict presents different opportunities and challenges. Friction in the mother-daughter relationship is inevitable. Two women from two different generations (each with her own history, needs and agendas) are going to clash. These skirmishes – past or present – occur around everything from appearance, clothing and dating, to food issues and relationships. But even a history of battles can ultimately lead to insight, growth and even closeness if properly used.

A starting place for the mother or daughter who wants to work out differences is to be willing to take the risk of asking the other to make a commitment to work on the relationship. This sometimes means swallowing one’s pride, putting differences aside temporarily and even feeling as if you’ve lost the battle. Taking the first step breaks the cycle and opens the door to resolution.

If both of you are committed to working on establishing a healthy relationship, it is essential to set time aside regularly over a period of weeks in order to identify the issues and begin the healing process. Listening to the other without interruption, defensive behavior or judgment is demanding but essential. As one of you puts forth her concerns, it is the responsibility of the other to remain open-minded and to attempt to put herself in the shoes of the speaker. Processing on a regular basis until all issues are either resolved or until you “agree to disagree” and move into a new relationship can take months. If you find you need help in your discussions, a therapist can act as a mediator. A therapist is especially helpful if one of the two is more committed and/or more capable of processing than the other. During these months it can also be helpful for the two of you to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Going to a movie, having lunch, shopping, remembering the good times in the past are all salves over deep wounds. Putting your differences aside during these times is a challenge but possible if both of you are committed to healing.

Ultimately, acceptance of each other becomes the key to mending and healing any relationship. If we remove expectations and understand that each person (mother or daughter) is just another human being hopefully doing the best she can at any given moment, the chances for creating forgiveness and friendship present themselves.

That’s not to say this process is easy. Relationships are complicated and the mother-daughter relationship is perhaps the most complicated of all. But hidden within each relationship is a magnificent opportunity. Healing the pain does not necessarily mean that the two of you will walk off into the sunset with your arms around each other. It does mean that, in order to find the happiness you seek, each of you resolves to let go of the past, sets a path for the future, and turns the voids and pains of the past into golden opportunities.

When Mom is Unavailable

If your mother is unavailable or unwilling to sit down and talk with you and to wrestle with the issues that have grown up in your relationship, here are some options for healing:

1. Befriend a mentor, perhaps an older woman, who models some of your values. She may be a teacher, a neighbor or even a grandparent. This person is free of the expectations mothers tend to have and can bring that freedom to the relationship. Let her accompany you on your journey, providing a safe environment in which to find your identity and explore life.

2. Reach out to challenges and find successes that enhance your self-esteem and confidence. Take a class, learn something new or make new friends.

3. Seek out a therapist with whom you can explore those painful places, purge the pain and move on with your life.

4. Mother yourself in ways that enhance self-esteem, boost confidence and heal your pain. Certain media and life experiences demonstrate how a caring mother treats her daughter. Begin to treat yourself this way by listening to and honoring your own voice, and by taking care of yourself. Indulge yourself with a new book, a weekend away, a women’s group or something else you enjoy. Begin to do for yourself all those things your mother would have provided for you if she could have.

Have Fun with Mom

• Go away together for the weekend. Explore the outdoors, walk along the water’s edge, or just go to a motel to swim, relax and have dinner together. Make sure to spend time individually as well.
• Spend a day at a spa having massages, manicures and pedicures. Sprinkle the day generously with good laughs, a nice lunch and a promise to do this again.
• Recreate some of the fun times you may have shared or wished you had shared when you were a child: visit an amusement park, pack a picnic lunch, play Frisbee, or go to the park and swing.
• Go to a movie and then discuss it over coffee afterwards.
• Invite other mothers and daughters for a pajama party. Rent some movies for discussion, share stories, and eat junk food.
• Go through photo albums of the past and laugh and cry together about the contents. Make a list of memories and share them.
• Read the same book and share your opinions about it.

Hints regarding effective communication

Mirror Talk: Listen to the other for 10 minutes. Repeat back to her what she said. Check to see if you are correct. Repeat this process until the speaker tells you that you “got it” and until the speaker feels heard.

Interrupting: Do not interrupt and do not monopolize the conversation.

Listening: Listen…. Do not just wait until the speaker is finished so that you can talk. Communication demands a union of two people.

Judgment: Do not judge the other. Accept her as she is. This does not mean you agree with the other but that you allow her to be who she is and have her own feelings and attitudes.

Advice: Don’t offer advice unless it is requested.

Openness: Notice how easily you relate to other women’s mothers. Note the absence of defensiveness. Note the acceptance. Attempt to bring that attitude to the conflicted relationship.

Control: Give up attempts to control others. No one wants to be controlled and that is frequently a source of conflict in mother-daughter relationships. The need to control is fear based and only creates barriers in a relationship.

Blame: Blaming others serves as a barrier to healing and moving on. It is a useless venture and needs to be avoided when two people are attempting to resolve differences. Instead, you must assume responsibility for your role in the conflicts, focusing attention on how you contributed to the problems under discussion, and what you can do to change.