You don’t have to be a Martha Stewart clone to transform your abode into the warm and fuzzy (or cool and sleek) casa of your dreams. The first step is to define your personal style, which simply means deciding what you like.

Thumb through the pages of your favorite decorating magazines or check some books out from the library. Stroll through local home-furnishings stores, browse Pinterest, and check out your friends’ homes. You’ll soon discover that elusive thing called “a look” that feels right. Don’t shy away from things that seem beyond your checkbook – a great style that you’ll love to come home to doesn’t have to be expensive.

After you’ve collected as many pictures as you can, review the pile and eliminate anything that doesn’t speak to you, even if it was on the magazine cover. Does the wall color lift your spirits? Does the bedroom wallpaper make you feel glamorous and sexy? Do you feel like a pampered princess just looking at pictures of cushy oversized furniture?

Start with a plan

Begin translating your personal style into your own space with a simple floor plan. Invest in a metal tape measure and a floor-plan kit, 1/4″ graph paper, or a home decorators’ software program. Measure every wall and window carefully, and be sure to include any furniture you already own and love – but resist the temptation to create a plan around that hand-me-down over-sized easy chair in avocado green.

Next, get a binder with a separator and pocket-file for each room you’re redecorating – though a notebook, glue stick and a couple of rubber bands works, too. Put the small scraps of paper, paint chips, fabric samples and the pictures you’ve collected in the various files. Try to visualize the style you love in your own space and get started.

Paying for it all

Ancient Rome was pretty spectacular, but it wasn’t built in a day. Your home won’t be, either. Part of the fun is the planning, the shopping and the Saturday afternoons spent mastering the art of using a glue gun. Indulge in a little window shopping to get some idea of what the types of things you want will cost. With some careful planning and lots of ingenuity, you can do it for less. The secret is to complete your project in stages. Take advantage of seasonal sales and unexpected finds that cross your path. Stick to your plan but be ready for a few detours.

Finding the right furniture

Maybe your plan calls for a living room conversation area with a large sofa and two over-stuffed chairs. Don’t be tempted to buy everything at once, even if it is on sale. Invest in a well-constructed sofa covered in the perfect fabric and pull up a couple of dining room chairs softened with some inexpensive cushions. You can replace them when you get that raise.

Check out all the local garage sales – pass up the ones advertised as “estate sales” or “tag sales,” because we’re looking for real bargains here. Armed with your wish list, your tape measure and your imagination, scour the site for anything that resembles an item on your list. Reclaim an old dining table by refinishing a once beautiful top and painting the bottom. Or cut down the legs and treat yourself to that oversized cocktail table you thought you couldn’t afford. Keep a sharp lookout for smaller tables that can be used anywhere in the house – an old scratched mahogany end table from someone’s formal living room can be stripped and refinished for the den or painted in whimsical colors for a child’s room.

Invest in a faux finish kit from the local hardware store or let your imagination soar. Create a super-elegant focal point for the dining room with a glossy black top and silver or gold accents on the trim. If you feel more comfortable out in the country, use a ” barn red” paint and learn how to create the distressed look.

Redoing your boudoir? Maybe you’re dreaming a queen-sized bed with an iron headboard and two roomy maple dressers. Do a little consumer research and buy the best mattress you can afford. Hold off on the dressers and substitute with some plain white storage units from the hardware store. When you’re ready to buy the real thing, use these handy pieces for closet storage or move them to the kids’ rooms.

Create a feminine bedside table with a three-legged round table that comes in a box. An 18″ table will need a 60″round table cloth (on sale of course) to reach the floor, or a “skirt” you’ve sewn yourself. It won’t cost more than an evening out with the girls and the hiding space under the tablecloth is free.

Shopping for furniture can be tricky – you’ll be living with these expensive items for a long time. Don’t leave home without a floor plan in your pocket and your “picture portfolio” etched in your brain.

Resist the temptation to buy lamps and lighting fixtures until the major pieces of furniture are in place, since the fixture you love today might clash with the treasure you find tomorrow.

Dress up the windows

Are you dreaming about large floral prints for elegant draperies or simple canvas shades? If you’re a beginning decorator and you’re considering a drastic departure from what you’re accustomed to, first try out a sample. Invest in pillowcases that resemble the fabric you want to use, live with them for awhile, and then make your decision.

Enjoy leisurely window-shopping and look for draperies and blinds that work with your decorating style. Bed and bath shops, department stores, home furnishing emporiums, specialty shops and websites offer a myriad of choices.

If you can’t find what you want, start perfecting those sewing skills. Window treatments, pillows, bedspreads and even place mats are a snap to make yourself. Loads of beautiful patterns are available from companies like McCall’s and chain stores like Jo-Ann Fabrics. You can also visit Pinterest for a mind-numbing collection of links to sites for pattern sources and excellent instructions geared to the beginner.

No need to invest in a sewing machine if you’re the more adventurous type. Drape a few yards of fabric over some beautiful wood or metal rods for a truly sumptuous look. (Experiment with some sheets from your linen closet first.)

Coat the walls

Don’t lift that paintbrush without fabric swatches in hand. Paint can be mixed to match the color of a sliver of fabric or a few fibers of carpet.

Planning to use an off-white color? You’ll soon discover there are many degrees of “off.” Paint companies offer shades that are tinted with pinks, blues, greens, yellows and even grays. Consider these paints to be a very light shade of whatever color works with your plan.

Paint is the least expensive item in your budget and the wrong shade can destroy your decorating plan. Save lots of money by starting out with one small can (usually a quart) and roll enough onto the walls to see how different the real thing looks from the teeny chip you selected. Notice how different it looks at night and during the day. You may have to invest in a number of quarts before graduating to the gallon size but you’ll eventually get the color you want.

Wallpaper – and a professional installer to keep the stripes going in the right direction – can put a major dent in your decorating budget. Until you get that raise, you may want to jazz up those plain walls with stenciling around the doorways and ceiling or simple wallpaper borders – the self-stick kind are easy to work with.

Cover the floors

Maybe you’re living in a rental apartment with drab gray carpeting that just doesn’t work with the color scheme you’ve created. Time to think about area rugs – animal prints to bring out the beast in him, geometric prints for the sleek contemporary look, woven and rag rugs for the country girl in you and Orientals for an elegant eclectic ambiance.

Check out estate sales and consignment stores for bargains in luxurious wool, or comb department stores for the look you want in synthetic blends. Just about every fantastic design you can imagine is available.

Use area rugs as runners in long boring hallways, under the dining room table or in front of the bed. They’re also a great way to define a conversation grouping in the living room.

Hard surface flooring like vinyl tiles and even elegant wood is not beyond the reach of most do-it-yourselfers and many home improvement centers offer classes to teach you how.

Professional designers recommend neutral colors that can be light or dark – but remember that dark flooring makes spaces appear much smaller.

Accessorize, accessorize, accessorize

Go back to those pictures you’ve collected and take a good look at the small stuff – the baskets piled on the floor, the artwork hanging on the wall and the objects d’art residing on the tabletops. Anything you already own and love can be used in the same way.

Cover a wall with photographs of friends, family, a beloved pet or anything that brings a smile to your face. For a little variety, try enlarging some of them or reframe the little ones with very large mats. Create unique frames from garage sale finds and try using new mats that will become color accents for the rest of the room.

Warm up those bare corners with piles of pillows, baskets or boxes you’ve decorated, and check out local crafts stores for excellent prices on silk and dried flowers. Most of us have lots of small objects that have something in common – we may collect frogs, eggs or salt shakers, or we may just end up owning lots of candlesticks because we love them. Clump them together and you have the beginnings of some wonderful table accessories. Try to vary the textures – glass, metal, wood and paper – and heights. Remember that odd numbers are more pleasing to the eye than even ones.

Even if you’re making do with hand-me-down furniture, you can use personal accessories to create a cozy nest that has your name on it.

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Books

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According to Sally Ferguson, director of the Netherlands Flower Bulb Information Center, gardeners are clamoring for fragrant flowers in the same way they’re begging for juicy tomatoes. “Who wants pithy five-pound tomatoes or the world’s biggest, floppiest flower?” she says. “Gardeners want ‘the real thing’ – they want tomatoes that taste like tomatoes and flowers that offer the kind of magical balance of color, form and fragrance Mother Nature intended.”

Ferguson offers this list of “best bet” fragrant spring-blooming bulb flowers to look for and plant this fall:

• Hyacinth “Anna Marie” – A bright pink flower that smells sweet, fruity and refreshing
• Hyacinth “Blue Jacket” – A delicious deep blue with shades of purple, it has a strong fragrance described as heady and exotic by some, and as fresh, cool and outdoorsy by others
• Narcissus “Carlton” – This ultimate large-cupped yellow daffodil has a scent described variously as fresh and jasmine-tinged or vanilla-y
• Tulipa “Angelique” – A luscious blush-pink peony-flowered look with a delicate fragrance reminiscent of a rose
• Tulipa “Prinses Irene” – Orange flushed with purple flames, this bloom has a subtle perfume described as slightly honey-lemon to musk

Since many tulips lose their fragrance when cut, forcing bulbs in pots is the way to bring the scents of spring indoors – whether forced over winter at home, or bought in spring as potted plants.

For the uninitiated, in the 1920s Edward Haas III invented PEZ in Vienna, Austria as a compressed peppermint candy for adults. PEZ crossed the Atlantic in the early 1950s and was marketed for children, with character heads appearing on the dispensers. The name PEZ comes from the first, middle and last letters of the German word for peppermint: Pfefferminz

Recalling the start of her collection, Sponaugle laughs, “At first, I was going to buy only the ones that I really, really liked. That lasted about ten minutes!” Indeed, her first PEZ purchase was at her local K-Mart, which carried about 25 different designs – and she bought them all.

Today, Sponaugle has 200 PEZ dispensers displayed along three walls of her kitchen, grouped according to categories such as heroes, cartoons and those with holiday themes. With incredulity in her voice, she says, “They aren’t glued down, although I do fear the domino effect. So far, that hasn’t happened.”
In addition to the displayed dispensers (and the 50-75 duplicates she has in storage), Sponaugle has PEZ key chains, candy holders, puzzles, copies of old PEZ advertisements, flashlights, bubble wands and watches, as well as a hat, mug, tie, car, and a framed PEZ bag. “My goal,” she reveals, “is to find PEZ curtains. And why don’t they make PEZ T-shirts in large sizes?”

In the past, Sponaugle’s search for PEZ knew no bounds. She recalls, “I learned that Flintstones PEZ were on the market. One Saturday, I just drove from one store to the next to the next to the next searching for them.” Now, she says, “I always keep my eye out for PEZ, but I no longer make special runs for them.”
Perhaps that’s because, these days, Sponaugle’s thirst for that elusive PEZ can be quenched via the Internet. She proudly recounts her most recent purchase – the Jack-in-the-Box PEZ that the fast food restaurant used as a premium – from the PEZ Museum in Burlingame, Calif. “I was so thrilled to learn I could get them from the PEZ Museum!”

Sponaugle expounds on PEZ resources available through the Internet. “I did subscribe to a PEZ (Internet mailing) list, but it got to be too much. I do get an online PEZ newsletter, which is excellent. When I have free time, I search the Internet for PEZ – there’s a whole PEZ webring.”

PEZ just may be the hot new collectible among baby boomers. According to Sponaugle, “There are PEZ conventions, and a rare PEZ dispenser can be sold for thousands of dollars.”

While Sponaugle may be a PEZhead, if the truth were told, she’s not a fan of the candy that comes with and is theoretically placed inside the dispensers. “Peppermint PEZ is okay,” she says, “but the rest I don’t care for.” While she used to give the candy out at Halloween, she says, “Now I have a big bowl of PEZ in my kitchen, figuring it is part of the décor.”

But don’t get the wrong impression – Sponaugle’s life consists of more than collecting PEZ. In fact, she is definitely not a stereotypical eccentric collector. Sponaugle and her husband, Bob, have been married eleven years, and she works in the sales department of a film production company. Sponaugle loves to shop and read, and her and Bob’s favorite place to visit is Cape May, NJ. In addition, they spend much of their spare time volunteering with NAAFA, an organization that educates, supports and advocates for people all sizes of large.

Having said that, our PEZhead’s collection doesn’t end with the candy dispensers. Linda and Bob also collect Furbys, and to date their “Furby family” numbers 16. Sponaugle says with amusement, “I was the first kid on my block with a Furby, when a friend gave me one last October.” Because Furbys can interact with one another, she felt compelled to get a second. By that time, holiday Furby mania had hit, and so they bought a Furby whenever and wherever one could be found. With a rationale that makes utmost sense to any serious collector, Sponaugle recounts, “We decided, well, why not get one of each color. Then (the manufacturer) retired those colors and put out six new colors. We had to get them, too. Then they started to have special editions….”

Sponaugle says, “Bob and I are totally amused by them.” When BBW’s photographer took a picture of the Furbys, a few of them said, “Bright light!” when the flash went off. After about a dozen pictures, one of the Furbys chirped, “Boring!”
Revealing that Furbys can do “tricks,” Sponaugle says, “If you make a loud noise three times and then pet it, the Furby will sing ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.’ I try to get them all to sing at one time – a kind of funny, off-key Furby round.”

It should come as no surprise that Sponaugle has many, many other collections. She has decorated her bathroom, for example, in a motif from her favorite movie, The Wizard of Oz. Her collection is so complete, she says, “We just need to retile the floor in yellow bricks!”

To Sponaugle, collecting is all about having fun, and never mind what anyone else thinks. “After living many years of feeling that I needed to act my age,” she says, “I’ve decided that I really don’t need to do that at all.” She continues, “I love my PEZ kitchen and my collection of Furbys and Wizard of Oz bathroom. They’re fun. They amuse me. And that’s what life should be about.”

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1. Read those labels. The Federal Trade Commission requires that all garments (except suedes and leathers) display at least one safe cleaning method. If you clean a garment by an alternative method (i.e., if you wash a blouse when the label indicates “Dry Clean Only”) and damage occurs, the responsibility is yours.

2. Despite care label recommendations, there is often an element of “buyer beware” with trims, ornaments, beads, sequins and buttons. Leslie DiMaggio, owner of Outlet Discount Cleaners in Salinas, Calif., expresses a common concern among dry cleaners about the stability of such items. “If a button makes the garment, remove it before cleaning.” She also recommends that you ask your cleaner to wrap specialty buttons before cleaning to prevent scratching and chipping.

3. If you sew or have your clothes made, your garment may not have a care label. Be certain all components of a handmade garment can be dry cleaned before dropping it off. Otherwise, washable fabrics may bleed; shrinkage may occur; buttons or trims may disintegrate or bleed; elastic may lose its stretch; iron-on interfacing will disappear, and unfinished seams may ravel.

4. Don’t leave a pile of clothes in the back seat of your car, waiting until you have time to stop at the cleaner. Sunlight and heat in a closed car can cause your garments to fade and will ultimately weaken fabric fibers.

5. Point out stains and tell the dry cleaner what caused the stain. Different stains require different treatments. Also, don’t wait too long before having a stain treated. Time can set stains.

6. Check your pockets. This is normal procedure for the dry cleaning staff, but an oversight can be catastrophic. A piece of hard candy overlooked in a breast pocket can melt and leave a very difficult stain.

7. Take care of your own shoulder pads. If they are loose, they will most likely become detached during dry cleaning and possibly lost forever. If they attach with Velcro, take them out and leave them at home. If they are soft or flimsy, secure them on both sides within their encasements with safety pins. This will prevent them from bunching up or losing their shape during cleaning.

8. Remember to always spray your body – not your clothes – with cologne or perfume. The alcohol in fragrances and other toiletries such as hairspray can leave nasty, yellowish stains that are not visible until after garments are dry cleaned. The worst case scenario is that the toiletries could take out the color altogether.

9. Dry cleaners package finished orders with four garments per plastic bag. To protect the pressing and crispness of your plus-size garments, ask that your dresses and suits be bagged individually or with no more than two items per bag.

10. Make a friend of your dry cleaner. Ask questions. Express your concerns. Professionals like Mark Holloran, owner of two Dryclean $1.99 stores in St. Louis, welcome the opportunity to discuss clothing care with customers. He says, “A little knowledge of prevention and cure goes a long way in protecting your clothing investment.”

11. Multiple piece ensembles or suits should be cleaned at the same time. Occasionally, colors may change slightly during the cleaning process, and cleaning these pieces together will maintain color consistency.

12. Pricing for dry cleaning is all over the board, due primarily to location, competition and marketing strategy. Richard Armstrong, Executive Director of the Indiana Dry Cleaning and Laundry Association and owner of Armstrong Cleaners in Richmond, Ind., sums up the general pricing policies of individual cleaners within the industry. Basically, neither the gender of the wearer nor the size of garments should determine cost. Rather, the cost reflects “the fiber content or the difficulty of finishing a garment.” Items requiring extra time and labor, including “rayon, silk, lined skirts or slacks,” often cost more to clean.

13. Be very careful of garments containing angora or lambs wool. They tend to shrink.

Delve Deeper

Dry Cleaning at Home

Since 1997, several do-it-yourself dry cleaning kits have appeared on store shelves. Proctor & Gamble’s Dryel involves nothing more than tossing a specially treated sheet and your clothes into the provided bag and sticking it into your clothes dryer for 40 minutes or so. But do they really work?

On the up side, these products do a great job of removing odors, such as smoke, and refreshing garments. Because the kit components can be reused numerous times, at-home products can dramatically slash your dry cleaning expenses. While the manufacturers – like professional dry cleaners – do not claim 100% success rates in removing stains, the spotting solutions are effective in many instances. These products are also great to bring along when you’re traveling to a place where you’ll have access to a clothes dryer.

If you’re accustomed to the crisp, ready-to-wear appearance of garments processed by professional dry cleaner, you may be in for a disappointment with at-home products. Bulky garments such as overcoats and sweaters come out of the dryer just fine, but others – like dresses and blouses – may need ironing. And since plus-size clothing takes up more room in the dryer bag, the number of garments you can clean at a time is reduced. Knowledgeable dry cleaners worry that stains may be worsened in home processing since heat can set them.

These relatively low-cost products add a new dimension to clothing care and can work great for in-between cleanings. Remember, though, that they do not replace professional dry cleaning.

Undoing the Damage

You’ve just picked up your clothes from the dry cleaner and discover that the dress you were planning to wear for your romantic interlude tonight is ruined. What to do?

• Don’t Jump to Conclusions. If your garment is damaged in dry cleaning, it may not have been the dry cleaner’s fault. Most dry cleaners know immediately when something goes awry with a garment and should bring it to your attention. If you discover a problem after you’ve left the store, you should leave the tag on and take it, along with the order ticket, back to the store. If you and the dry cleaner cannot solve the problem together, you can pursue it through your Better Business Bureau or in small claims court.
• Whoever Caused the Problem is at Fault. Was it negligence on the part of the dry cleaner or a defect in materials or construction on the part of the manufacturer? You must also realize that inadvertently, you may have been responsible. If you are not at fault, the dry cleaner, the retailer or the manufacturer should compensate your for the item.
• The International Fabricare Institute (www.ifi.org or 800/638-2627) is the industry authority on all facets of dry cleaning. One of their many services includes objective analysis of damaged items to determine cause and possible corrective measures. Dry cleaners who are members of this organization can send garments to be analyzed. If your cleaner is not a member or will not comply, your local Better Business Bureau can submit the item on your behalf for about $25.00.

First things first, though. Organizing your closet isn’t a one-shot deal. Either you need to vow that you won’t let your household leftovers squeeze out your clothes, or you have to resign yourself to at least a semi-annual organizing fest.

You can always hire a closet organizer or buy expensive organizing systems, but if you’re on a budget or are just a do-it-yourselfer, here are 20 tips to help you tidy up. Who knows…? You may even find that missing wool glove in the process!

1. Set aside two to four hours to tackle a small closet; four to six hours to wrestle a walk-in into shape. If a friend can be coerced into helping you – or at least keeping you company – so much the better.
2. Buy a few plastic bins from your local discount store and collect some large, sturdy cardboard boxes. These will come in handy when you begin to sort and store.
3. If you find that your plus-size clothes slip off of their wire hangers and end up scattered on the floor of your closet, consider investing in some extra-large hangers and foam hanger covers, which will prevent slippage. Find a fixture store (also called display stores, they sell racks, tags, etc. to retail stores) that’s open to the public, and pick up 100 hangers for around $30 and 100 foam covers for about $10. The cost is worth it in terms of the time you’ll save by not having to iron those wrinkled blouses. Take your flimsy wire hangers back to the dry cleaner for recycling.
4. Before you start, decide what types of items you want to store in the closet. Clothes and shoes only? Wrapping paper? Your bowling ball? Unfolded laundry? A zillion of your kid’s school papers? Plan ahead and create storage space elsewhere for items that will be evicted from your closet.
5. Ready to dig in? In a systemized way, take everything that’s not on a hanger out of your closet. Go from the top of the closet to the bottom, from the floor up, or go from right to left.
6. As you remove each item, sort it into one of five piles: trash, giveaway, projects, storage or closet. The trash pile is self-evident – toss it into the garbage bin. Giveaways are those items you no longer need, but can be of use to a family member, a friend or a charity. Projects are those articles that need further action on your part – shoes that need new soles, decorative pillows that need mending, etc. Storage consists of things you want to keep, but not in your closet. The pieces in your closet pile will go back into your closet once you’ve finished organizing.
7. Take a look at your shoes. Haven’t worn them in over a year, and won’t in the foreseeable future? They’re either trash or giveaways. Are they special occasion shoes that you’ll wear again? Box them up and label them. If you’re in a cold weather clime and your tootsies won’t see sandals for another six months, box up your warm weather shoes and pack them away for the winter.
8. Once you’ve gotten this far, you’re more than halfway there! Now you’re down to the clothes on their hangers. This is the tough part, but boldness and bravery are necessary to achieve your goal.
9. Go through each piece, one at a time, with as much objectivity as you can muster. Does the item fit you at your present size? If not, immediately place it into either the giveaway or trash pile with nary a backward glance. Your self-esteem doesn’t need nagging thoughts of “Maybe someday…” and besides, you’re trying to reclaim your closet space for the person you are today.
10. Have you worn it in the past year? If the answer is no and it’s still in good shape, the piece goes in the giveaway pile. It doesn’t matter if it still has the price tag on it – if you loved it and it looked good on you, you would have worn it by now.
11. Has it seen better days? Be brutally honest. That ratty old bathrobe may have brought you emotional comfort, but are you really ever going to wear it again? If you still can’t bear to toss it into the trash, put it in the storage pile – but get it out of your closet!
12. How does it really look? This is where a friend can come in handy. If that orange suit makes you look like a pumpkin, do yourself a favor by putting it in the giveaway pile. On the other hand, that chunky sweater may look terrific, and it’s back in season to boot!
13. Once you’ve sorted through everything in your closet, it’s time to assess your progress and put everything in its proper place. Organize your hanging clothes by their function: sportswear, casual, career, special occasion. Within each function, group like items together: blouses, skirts, pants, jackets. Within these groups, organize by color.
14. Now you can dispose of your five piles. Dump the trash and be done with it.
15. Sort the giveaway pile into items to distribute to people you know, and put the rest in a large carton or trash bag. Local women’s shelters are always looking for plus-size casual clothes, and programs like The Working Wardrobe, which helps low-income women move from welfare to work, will take plus-size career clothes off of your hands in a flash.
16. Sort your projects pile into appropriate categories, and put them in a bin or box. Take time to reserve a day on your calendar when you will tackle those tasks.
17. Group the items in the storage pile by the location where they will be stored. Box up the things that are going into longer-term storage and label the boxes. Then, put all of the items in their proper places.
18. Now that you’ve reclaimed your closet space, you should have plenty of room to put away the things from your closet pile. Make sure to label any boxes, so you’ll know what’s inside and you won’t have to dig the next time you need something.
19. If your closet is only as big as a shoebox, you may need to take additional steps to create more space. Consider over-the-door organizers, wall hooks and multi-level rods. Remember that the space under your bed can be utilized as long-term storage space. If you’re ambitious, you can create a second shelf in the closet, or convert your narrow shelf into a deeper shelf by utilizing a wider board on the existing shelf guide bar.
20. Relax and congratulate yourself on a job well done!

OK, I admit he is kind of ingratiating – for maybe the first three times you hear him, which seems these days to be on Halloween night. The last trick or treaters leave your porch whooping and hollering their way to the next house, and then finally, as only the rustle of falling leaves punctuate a dark evening slouching toward midnight, a keen ear can just start to capture the first strains of ba rum puh puh pum…slowly slithering over the horizon toward every department store in town.

He’s not only back, he’s everywhere! Ubiquitous. Omnipresent. Pervasive. Numbing. No longer ingratiating but downright grating. Probably the only thing worse than “Drummer” are all the other holiday tunes that tinny loudspeakers blast 24/7 at those of us who have acquired mush for ears over the years.

The only way to tune all this out is to stay home, away from all that tacky holiday cheer. This is actually good for the environment – fewer cars on the road, less gas consumed; good for the catalogers and online shopping outlets; and good for you – more time with the family, less parking lot rage, lower stress levels when you don’t have to engage in hand-to-hand combat in Toys R Us as you try to snag the last whatever.

On the other hand, staying at home so much can possibly lead to a worse fate as you cast about to find something to do when you can’t stand one more holiday special with seven minutes of content and 23 minutes of advertising. On the verge of Christmas overload, you look around for something to read. And what do you find? The coffee table, piled high with – you guessed it – holiday advertising.

I’m not totally against advertising. I’ve found some interesting, even useful information in advertising. (And, with a journalist’s need for full disclosure, I have to acknowledge I’ve made a buck or two in this lifetime writing some advertising.)

So understanding the need to get the word about a company’s goods or services out to the maximum possible population, I’ve never particularly complained about it. Until I realized it’s gotten as out of hand as that darned holiday percussionist.

Take, for example:

The inside of the toilet stall door in a ladies room. Puhleeez! Talk about a captive audience. I was not positively moved by the experience, so to speak. And, I heard only recently, video ads will be broadcast above the men’s urinals at a major broadcasting corporation’s headquarters. Do you know any guys who really want some beaming pitchman looking and talking right at them while they’re, uh, doing what they do there?

But two items a few weeks ago finally got a full measure of froth foaming around my mouth. This time I yelled ENOUGH already! Double puhleeez. Is nothing sacred anymore?

The first example of “there’s nowhere left to get away” concerns the beach. Picture your favorite beach. Wide, flat, whatever-the-hue sand glistening in the early morning sun. Waves curling in, sweeping back out. Smell of salt, cry of gull, tiny little footprints of the wading birds leaving fanciful trails across the wet sand.

Ah yes, the sand. Look closely at the sand. There in the damp area, where the cleaning machine just smoothed the beach for your ease in walking or jogging – and advertising pleasure! Yes, someone is quite proud that his machine is leaving behind an endless stream of advertising messages imprinted in the freshly dragged sand, and hopes to bring it to the beach of your choice as quickly as possible.

And the final desecration? Not only are your romantic expectations of a sublime, uninterrupted expanse of natural beauty gone from the beach, the moon is next. Well, I may be exaggerating a bit, but I can envision all too soon a laser-generated silhouette of McDonald’s arches or Mickey’s ears splashed across the moon just as you are gazing upward to admire that magnificent orb in all its natural romantic splendor.

Too far-fetched you say? Well, they’re already halfway there as far as I can tell. Back in the aughts, there was a tall, powerful rocket that propelled itself off the launch pad. That magnificent symbol of American technology and drive to explore the frontiers of the universe…. What did it have plastered all over it? A patriotic statement of our country in bold stars and stripes? Nope.

A graphic rendering of a human being to introduce ourselves to the cosmos? Wrong again.

It was the ultimate world of tacky, intrusive, gone-way-too-far-this time advertising. Our sleek metallic warrior was adorned with a great big fat ad for a major national pizza chain.

Well, so much for establishing a pizza as my new traditional holiday food. Ba rum puh puh pum.