Perhaps because we live in such a transient society, searching for one’s roots has never been so popular. Just ask Cyndi Howells, plus-size owner and webmaster of the award-winning Cyndi’s List of Genealogy Sites on the Internet (www.cyndislist.com), a categorized index to more than a quarter million online resources for people working on their family tree.

Howells’ quest for her roots began as a high school project, when she filled in a chart using information her grandmother had found. “Through the years, I worked on my family tree off and on, doing what I could,” she recalls. “When my dad got a computer, I entered the information I had gathered on his program.”

When she decided to give up her job in international banking to stay home and have a baby, Howells delved more deeply into genealogy. She and her husband, Mark, who live in the Tacoma, Wash. Area, bought a computer and went online. “When I made up a list of computer genealogy bookmarks for my fellow members of the Tacoma-Pierce County Genealogical Society, they asked for more,” Howells says. “Mark said we needed to have a website, so I taught myself HTML programming and began Cyndi’s List on March 4, 1996.”

Although Howells has the best-known site for online resources, she cautions that the Web isn’t necessarily the best place to start in your search for your ancestors. “You can’t find everything online,” she says. “Every family is unique. Start with yourself and talk to parents, aunts, and uncles about your family history. Then come back to the computer.”

Howells, who spends eight to 12 hours each day working on her site and doesn’t do research for individuals, chuckles at the requests she receives from people who don’t understand the time commitment that family history research requires.

“One woman sent this e-mail to me [which said], ‘I have a family reunion next weekend. Can you send my family history?’ Then a man asked me to send an alphabetical list to him of all the people living in the United States!” Howells exclaims.

Courtney Cannon Scott didn’t initially realize what was involved in genealogical research. “My dad died five years ago, but he always wanted to know more about his family. I thought I could do this for him, thinking it wouldn’t take long.” Now, the Atlanta-based Scott is a syndicated columnist whose genealogical tips and advice appear in 215 African-American newspapers across the U.S. “I love crossword puzzles and genealogy is a giant puzzle,” she reveals.

Scott has traced her dad’s family back to 1860 and her mother’s family to 1900. When working on family history before the Civil War, Scott explains that locating African-American ancestors can be a challenge. But, she advises, “In 1850 and 1860, some Southern states had slave censuses. Slaves were listed by household under their owner’s name. Look for the family group you need. Go to local records to check owners’ wills because slaves were property and were accounted for.”

Scott, a plus-size mother of four and grandmother of two, says, “I tell people that if they don’t do anything else, write names on the backs of photos. We have to remember who we are and pay more attention to family. Your individual history is an integral part of our comprehensive history as a people.”

“I wish every day that I had started genealogy earlier and talked to aunts and uncles that are now gone,” Scott concludes. “Now, I’m trying to make the best use of my time.”

Delve Deeper: Getting Started

Your family history is likely to be a fascinating story of life, love and dreams. It’s also an integral part of who you are. Here are some tips to start you on your journey of tracing your own roots:

1. Start with yourself and your immediate family. Write down all of the birth, marriage, and death dates and locations that you know for each person. Then go back to the previous generation and do the same.
2. Document your work. Never accept someone else’s word as the truth unless you see documentation that proves their claims. Anyone can make a mistake or a wrong assumption. Relatives sometimes don’t remember things as clearly as they think, so look for proof to back up the facts they provide.
3. Before beginning your research at the library, ask the reference librarian to list the materials available for your use.
4. Be flexible when researching your surname. Census-takers in the past were usually not well educated and sometimes spelled names the way they sounded. Often, the people interviewed by the census-takers did not know how to spell their names. For example, the name Scifres is found in old records as Cypher, Sifers, Scifers, Ciphers, Syphers and other variations. Immigrants to America may have landed with one surname and then Americanized it to something else, either by choice or because of the way they were listed by immigration officials.
5. Keep your family files organized and note where you located each piece of information. For example: The Jeffersonville Evening News, March 2, 1900, page 2, column 4. Jeffersonville Township Public Library, June 10, 2000.
6. Carry supplies with you when you do research: coins for the copy machine, a lighted magnifying glass for hard-to-read print, pens, pencils, paper, and family group sheets with the information about your ancestors.
7. Keep photos and papers in clear, archival-safe sleeves or pages to slow the deterioration process. Identify all photos with names, dates and places, using a pen with acid-free ink.
8. Talk to your children and grandchildren about your family history. Write or tape record all of the information that you can. Don’t forget to tell them about your life, especially your childhood memories. Each generation has different experiences, and your descendants will be interested in how you lived as a child.

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For example, think about Sophia Loren, Cher, Julia Roberts. What do you immediately see? Shoulders out to infinity, cheekbones with actual angles, chins (not only prominent but only one to a customer), and maybe in Cher’s case a whole lot more, but that’s another story best set to the Academy Awards’ theme song.

Back to my own gene pool. Maybe I should first blame my parents. My father didn’t have much of a chin; my mother’s shoulders were fairly small. But then, even though they both came from farm families, I don’t think they chose each other on the basis of producing a Super Physical Specimen. I think they just loved each other deeply and passed on even more love to whoever came along.

Hooray!

So maybe I ought to blame the media. Think of all those gorgeous women I used to watch in the movies, clothes hanging from shoulders as wide as hangars (airplane, not closet), chins jutting far enough out to catch the ashes from their cigarettes. Actual cheekbone configurations were a bit harder to discern since they were usually clouded in the smoke swirling up from their omnipresent cigarettes. But they often seemed like pretty wimpy women, totally dependent on what men (and other highly judgmental women) thought about them. And many of them wore high heels while they were cleaning house. Boo, hiss!

OK, it had to be society. Somebody Out There was making decisions about the relative value of long legs and short hair or wide shoulders and narrow noses. And they were doing a superb job of convincing impressionable young women and horny young men that these were the attributes that made for a Fine Person and Suitable Mate. Since so many of them were off mating when I was off at college having huge fun debating heavy issues and moral conundrums, I decided to ignore society’s dictates about looks. Society clearly had weird priorities. Evolution needed to take us toward transparent skulls so we could learn to revere brains at work as much as we do rippling muscles elsewhere. Ah ha!

But where does that leave me on those days when nagging doubts about skeletal deficiencies still want to invade my mind. Who’s left to blame – video games, the NRA, the NBA, the NFL? Nah!

Actually I have found peace at last. Enter the millennia-old theory of reincarnation, which is finally taking hold in our New Age consciousness. I can choose next time around. I can pick my bones! I can also have sparkling eyes, the world’s most engaging grin, a sleek body, and no shoulders or chins to worry about. Terrific!

That’s right. Next time around I’m coming back as a dolphin!

Mother-daughter relationships run the gamut, but have one common denominator: this relationship is probably the most powerful and influential relationship in a woman’s life. This is true whether the mother is present or absent, loving or abusive, birth mother, stepmother or adoptive mother. Mothers matter more than many women want to admit.

As women, there are many areas that are deeply impacted by the relationship we had or did not have with our mothers: our relationships with partners, friends, and children; our ability to be intimate; and our confidence and self-image. Many of us look in a mirror and see our mothers looking back at us. We speak to our children and hear our mother’s words coming out of our mouths.

As a group, mothers are held to very high expectations. We, consciously or unconsciously, demand that they love perfectly, live selflessly and never make mistakes. Yet mothers are just women with the same needs, the same self-esteem issues, and the same weaknesses and strengths as everyone else. If only we could see that. Instead, daughters tend to lay on their mothers the expectation of being super-mom, while many mothers tend to displace their own needs on their daughters. Thus begin the conflicts.

The good news is that within every mother-daughter relationship there is a potential for growth. The void felt by the woman whose mother died when she was 13 or by the woman who never knew a mother becomes a starting place. The awareness of that void can lead her to look at herself. The pain created by that void can become a catalyst in her search for an identity. It is a call to action, an opportunity to develop and affirm self-worth and determine who she wishes to be.

A woman whose relationship with her mother is filled with conflict presents different opportunities and challenges. Friction in the mother-daughter relationship is inevitable. Two women from two different generations (each with her own history, needs and agendas) are going to clash. These skirmishes – past or present – occur around everything from appearance, clothing and dating, to food issues and relationships. But even a history of battles can ultimately lead to insight, growth and even closeness if properly used.

A starting place for the mother or daughter who wants to work out differences is to be willing to take the risk of asking the other to make a commitment to work on the relationship. This sometimes means swallowing one’s pride, putting differences aside temporarily and even feeling as if you’ve lost the battle. Taking the first step breaks the cycle and opens the door to resolution.

If both of you are committed to working on establishing a healthy relationship, it is essential to set time aside regularly over a period of weeks in order to identify the issues and begin the healing process. Listening to the other without interruption, defensive behavior or judgment is demanding but essential. As one of you puts forth her concerns, it is the responsibility of the other to remain open-minded and to attempt to put herself in the shoes of the speaker. Processing on a regular basis until all issues are either resolved or until you “agree to disagree” and move into a new relationship can take months. If you find you need help in your discussions, a therapist can act as a mediator. A therapist is especially helpful if one of the two is more committed and/or more capable of processing than the other. During these months it can also be helpful for the two of you to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Going to a movie, having lunch, shopping, remembering the good times in the past are all salves over deep wounds. Putting your differences aside during these times is a challenge but possible if both of you are committed to healing.

Ultimately, acceptance of each other becomes the key to mending and healing any relationship. If we remove expectations and understand that each person (mother or daughter) is just another human being hopefully doing the best she can at any given moment, the chances for creating forgiveness and friendship present themselves.

That’s not to say this process is easy. Relationships are complicated and the mother-daughter relationship is perhaps the most complicated of all. But hidden within each relationship is a magnificent opportunity. Healing the pain does not necessarily mean that the two of you will walk off into the sunset with your arms around each other. It does mean that, in order to find the happiness you seek, each of you resolves to let go of the past, sets a path for the future, and turns the voids and pains of the past into golden opportunities.

When Mom is Unavailable

If your mother is unavailable or unwilling to sit down and talk with you and to wrestle with the issues that have grown up in your relationship, here are some options for healing:

1. Befriend a mentor, perhaps an older woman, who models some of your values. She may be a teacher, a neighbor or even a grandparent. This person is free of the expectations mothers tend to have and can bring that freedom to the relationship. Let her accompany you on your journey, providing a safe environment in which to find your identity and explore life.

2. Reach out to challenges and find successes that enhance your self-esteem and confidence. Take a class, learn something new or make new friends.

3. Seek out a therapist with whom you can explore those painful places, purge the pain and move on with your life.

4. Mother yourself in ways that enhance self-esteem, boost confidence and heal your pain. Certain media and life experiences demonstrate how a caring mother treats her daughter. Begin to treat yourself this way by listening to and honoring your own voice, and by taking care of yourself. Indulge yourself with a new book, a weekend away, a women’s group or something else you enjoy. Begin to do for yourself all those things your mother would have provided for you if she could have.

Have Fun with Mom

• Go away together for the weekend. Explore the outdoors, walk along the water’s edge, or just go to a motel to swim, relax and have dinner together. Make sure to spend time individually as well.
• Spend a day at a spa having massages, manicures and pedicures. Sprinkle the day generously with good laughs, a nice lunch and a promise to do this again.
• Recreate some of the fun times you may have shared or wished you had shared when you were a child: visit an amusement park, pack a picnic lunch, play Frisbee, or go to the park and swing.
• Go to a movie and then discuss it over coffee afterwards.
• Invite other mothers and daughters for a pajama party. Rent some movies for discussion, share stories, and eat junk food.
• Go through photo albums of the past and laugh and cry together about the contents. Make a list of memories and share them.
• Read the same book and share your opinions about it.

Hints regarding effective communication

Mirror Talk: Listen to the other for 10 minutes. Repeat back to her what she said. Check to see if you are correct. Repeat this process until the speaker tells you that you “got it” and until the speaker feels heard.

Interrupting: Do not interrupt and do not monopolize the conversation.

Listening: Listen…. Do not just wait until the speaker is finished so that you can talk. Communication demands a union of two people.

Judgment: Do not judge the other. Accept her as she is. This does not mean you agree with the other but that you allow her to be who she is and have her own feelings and attitudes.

Advice: Don’t offer advice unless it is requested.

Openness: Notice how easily you relate to other women’s mothers. Note the absence of defensiveness. Note the acceptance. Attempt to bring that attitude to the conflicted relationship.

Control: Give up attempts to control others. No one wants to be controlled and that is frequently a source of conflict in mother-daughter relationships. The need to control is fear based and only creates barriers in a relationship.

Blame: Blaming others serves as a barrier to healing and moving on. It is a useless venture and needs to be avoided when two people are attempting to resolve differences. Instead, you must assume responsibility for your role in the conflicts, focusing attention on how you contributed to the problems under discussion, and what you can do to change.