1. Find a plastic freezer bag. In fact, think thrifty – recycle a used freezer bag. Drop in all credit cards. Fill with water. Bury in the back of your freezer until after the holidays.

2. Call, write, email, or get together with each person on your gift list over the age of 21, and specifically to talk about gifts. Do they mostly agree with you that holiday presents are for kids? If so, would they like to join you in working toward a financially responsible, simpler lifestyle by forgoing an adult gift exchange?

3. If so, suggest that each of you set aside half the money you would normally have spent on each other to buy a gift for a needy child and/or make a donation to a charity you both like. It’s guaranteed to give you a good feeling, and you’ll avoid having to conjure up a false enthusiasm for the extraordinarily useless thing that person would have chosen for you.

4. Take a reality check. The family down the street can afford to go to Vail to ski over the holidays. You can’t. Have a family meeting or round robin email or letter. Ask each person what would be the ideal gift they would like to receive from you. The most frequent answers usually cost almost nothing – a new photo of you, some time together, a guaranteed phone call or letter every other week – and mean so much more to the recipient than the knick-knack you buy.

5. Take reality check #2. OK, the children thought a little differently. They want the most expensive gaming console or motorized scooter or this year’s fully outfitted Barbie. Show them the price of that gift, explain how much you could contribute to acquiring that and let them help think of solutions to collect the rest of the money. Maybe one less treat a week? One less fast food dinner a week? Of course, be sure to set aside one affordable gift for Santa to bring, but some of the greatest lifetime gifts you’ll be giving your children are 1) a sense of reality about money; 2) the understanding that their opinion counts; 3) the knowledge that they are part of a family team that needs to operate together for the good of all, not just the gratification of one; and 4) a strong grasp of the lesson that to choose wisely leads to control of their own life.

6. Create your own Holiday Club fund. Such accounts used to be a big deal years ago at most banks. Unfortunately the clubs paid little or no interest – they just acted as a nagging reminder to start putting away money all year toward holiday gift giving. You can do the same thing on your own, but shop around and find out how to get the best interest accruing while the fund grows. Rigorously contribute to the account with a set amount out of every paycheck.

7. Create a little extra cash over the year by regularly putting the price of one day’s lunch or one week’s lattes or one fewer pair of shoes into that holiday money fund you’re building. If giving a gift to someone is truly meaningful to you, the sense of not indulging yourself in order to give to him or her will become a heartwarming, fulfilling choice.

8. Design the budget of your dreams for holiday spending. Now cut that in half, at least. Does your next door neighbor really need one more knickknack for her already overcrowded home? Instead of a gift, maybe your co-worker would prefer that you cover her job or work overtime the next time she wants to leave early for her child’s school play.

9. Now, stick to your budget. Rigorously. Remember your credit cards are buried in layers of ice. If you can’t afford the gift you’re coveting with the cash in your wallet or checking account – without sacrificing normal daily needs – the gift gets to stay on the shelf for someone else to ponder. Remember that money does not equal love.

10. Have little ones around? Be the first on your block or in your school or church to organize a trade-a-toy event for adults only. A toddler will never know the shiny toy you cleaned and polished once belonged to the little boy down the street who’s tired of it. Ditto for those clothes quickly outgrown, or the computer game software not played in the last year.

11. Shop wisely to make sure the deal you’re getting is the very best available, whether online or in a retail outlet. Especially make use of online comparison pricing that will indicate the cost of a certain Barbie doll, for example, at a number of different sources. Always be on the lookout for bargains; in today’s economy, some really elegant clothes and toys are donated to thrift shops and can be had for a quarter or less of what they cost brand new.

12. Shop late. Until my son was in grade school, we simply celebrated Christmas gift giving time a few days after Christmas. I bought almost all his gifts at rock bottom post-holiday sales. Over the years he realized he got a lot more of what he wanted this way instead of celebrating the same day as his friends did – and we continue the tradition. Does your family absolutely require getting together on Christmas Day? You could save a bundle on gifts and airline tickets, for example, if you traveled and celebrated off-peak.

13. Does your glitzy holiday card really brighten up someone’s life? If you want to send something bright and cheery, cut the front off a card you received last year, and tuck it into an envelope with a note that lists ten things you like about that person. The enjoyment of a lovely but mass-manufactured card is limited. The heartglow from a list like this is boundless.

14. Subscribe to any one of many excellent couponing newsletters and websites and put a portion of your additional savings over the next year into your holiday club account.

15. Keep your credit cards in the freezer until the next genuine emergency. Playing financial catch up is always expensive. Credit card companies have craftily designed their fees, extra charges, and interest rates to keep you in financial bondage forever. Break free. Be conscious. Be conscientious. Always save ahead instead of paying behind.

If you’re like most Americans, that collection of nickels and dimes adds up. According to Coinstar, a company that makes self-service coin counting machines found in many supermarkets, an estimated $10 billion worth of loose change is effectively out of circulation because it is accumulating in homes throughout the U.S.

What to do with your windfall? Sara Harrington, a retail store manager in Des Moines, Iowa, says that she used last year’s accumulation of $45 to treat herself and a friend to lunch and a movie. Helen Brooks, a production coordinator, saves her change to use for gambling money on her annual trip to Las Vegas, Nev. Sharon Dearborn of Orlando shares the wealth: after cashing in her accumulation of change, she donates the proceeds to her favorite charity.

If you’ve ever eyed that stack of bills with trepidation, you know that money means more than the number in your checkbook register – there’s an emotional component to the way you approach your finances. You have a relationship with money – healthy, unhealthy or somewhere in between – just as you have relationships with friends, family and coworkers. But while you wouldn’t dream of neglecting the emotional fabric of your relationships with your loved ones, you may ignore the feelings that come into play in the way you handle your money.

Although you may believe that your money woes would abate if only you had more of the green stuff, it’s likely that your relationship to money has little to do with your financial status. Even women in the highest tax bracket can feel the emotional tug of financial anxiety. Eileen Dorsey, a Certified Financial Planner in St. Louis, Mo., says, “If you make $20,000, you spend $25,000; if you make $500,000, you spend $600,000.”

Jennifer (who asked that her last name not be published), a connoisseur of financial classes in Austin, Texas, says, “I’d get a bill and feel panic, despair, hopelessness. I didn’t believe I could make [my finances] work. I felt at the mercy of everyone else.” Like many women, Jennifer associates money with control. A bad money situation, such as unexpected expenses or tremendous consumer debt, can trigger feelings of powerlessness. Jennifer’s downward spiral led her to feeling both powerless and victimized.

The question, however, is whether Jennifer’s financial woes created her emotional state, or her emotional state created her money problems. According to Iris Fanning, an accredited Success Coach in Albuquerque, N.M., many women “substitute money as a way to take care of themselves.” In other words, instead of nurturing and loving themselves, they buy a new dress.

But spending money as a temporary fix for your emotional needs is a no-win situation: after the high of buying the dress, you’ll again feel an emotional void – plus, you’ll be further in debt.

Money is a partner in life. Your relationship with money (just like a love relationship) cannot be divorced from the way you manage the partnership. If you use money the same way you might have a one-night stand, afterwards you are left feeling empty and deprived. On the other hand, consciously using positive techniques (such as budgeting, automatic bill payment and cutting expenses) to achieve financial priorities-working with your financial situation rather than against it-can improve your quality of life, just as better communication will improve your partnership with your mate.

First Steps

Certified Financial Planner Eileen Dorsey says good money management “pretty much revolves around a spending plan, and then doing those things to simplify your life.” Don’t be afraid to seek help by attending classes or seminars, consulting financial planners, surfing the Internet, and reading books. These resources can help you develop skills to relate to money successfully.

Once you have the tools to begin making informed financial decisions, you stop being a victim and start taking control of the situation. Fear and hopelessness quickly lose their hold. As Dorsey observes, “People who go through a complete financial process come out of it happier, less stressed.” Education can help you define your relationship with money.

Calming Strategies

Difficult financial situations inspire negative self-talk, like “I’m going to be ruined!” These dark thoughts inspire terrible feelings, which lead to more negative thoughts, until you find yourself in the great abyss. It’s time to change the tape playing in your mind.

Confront your feelings: Jennifer once received a medical bill for $500, almost twice what she anticipated. She had a long moment of panic, then took a deep breath and embarked on a new approach.

Jennifer listed each of her emotions on a piece of paper, and then jotted down the thoughts behind each feeling. She wrote that she felt desperate, frightened, and helpless. Her fears included, “I’ll lose Dad’s respect! I’ll be trapped into a mediocre life! It’s never going to get any better!”

Then she wrote what she’d rather think, including the complete opposite: “All things are possible in God. I’m enjoying greater freedom than I ever have before. I’m finding new options, and everyone, including me, is amazed and awed.”

Find the silver lining: Jennifer spent some time focusing on that affirmation. After calming down, she looked for the silver lining in the situation. She noted, “The medical care kept me healthy. This bill will help force me to develop a budget.” She remembers that, at the time, the positive thoughts provided only a glimmer of hope, but that just listing it helped.

Avoid lingering on fear or hardship. Immersion in positive images can blast away the negativity. Reading books that are uplifting and inspiring, working at a craft or hobby, or watching a beautiful sunset can keep anxiety at bay. As soon as you feel the upset mounting, turn to your affirmations and indulge yourself with something that inspires you.

Find the Answers: It’s okay to be upset about an unexpected bill or other financial woes. But immediately turn around and ask yourself questions like, “How can I make this work?” or “What can I do right now to make this better?” At first, you may need to ask these questions over and over, until your brain finally deigns to answer, but finding solutions gets easier with practice.

In working with her clients, Success Coach Fanning encourages them to look for the payoff to their behaviors-how, for instance, avoiding bills makes them feel better. Using that knowledge as a foundation, she coaches her clients to devise small steps that enable them to begin the journey to money-related emotional peace.

Jennifer listed every possible solution for paying her health clinic bill, however unlikely. Her list included asking family and friends for money, taking out a loan, using more credit, cutting back on movies, negotiating a lower payment, getting a second job, working overtime and asking for a raise. Jennifer then called some like-minded friends to brainstorm other ideas.

Don’t Go Solo: Financial difficulties can isolate you. You may feel ashamed of your financial situation; you don’t want to talk about it because you think it will reveal how stupid, foolish or incapable you really are. In reality, though, sharing experiences and support with other people in the same or similar circumstances can be liberating and can give you the inspiration you need to make choices that will bring you closer to financial well-being.

Support groups provide wonderful opportunities for women to share their turmoil and fear about money. Feeling connected as a community, participants find the power to face their difficulties. One-on-one support helps, too. As a financial planner, Dorsey often suggests that her clients find a therapist to help them work through money-related emotional issues.

Choose Carefully: On the other hand, beware of people who constantly bemoan their finances. It’ll be too tempting to commiserate and return to your bad feelings, instead of focusing on positive solutions. While some people may even actively oppose your new approach to money, remember that you can’t live your life according to other people’s financial standards. If the topic comes up, just say, “I don’t feel like talking about money today.” Most people will respect your wishes.

Go Higher: Don’t underestimate the influence of a Higher Power in your journey toward financial peace. In fact, stop thinking about money altogether! Take a walk in nature and appreciate the solidarity of the trees. Pray to whatever Higher Power gives you comfort, or just meditate. Those positive thoughts you wrote earlier make excellent prayers or meditative affirmations. Remember that money is just a tiny piece of the Big Picture of life, one relationship among many.

Following Through

The easiest way to fall into money anxiety is to just sit there and do nothing – throw the bills in the backseat, keep using those credit cards and keep worrying. Indeed, money anxiety can cause a kind of emotional paralysis, leading to a self-perpetuating cycle of fear and inaction. To avoid that trap, develop your step-by-step solutions and implement them one at a time. Jennifer, for example, was able to re-work her budget slightly and negotiate a comfortable payment schedule with the health clinic. She also refused to allow the bill to eclipse her dreams, which helped keep her from sinking into despair.

Follow through! Discouragement and frustration are unavoidable at those times when it seems impossible to find any silver lining, or when the situation just seems overwhelming.

In fact, you can actually use the stress to help you. Fanning says, “Enough pain around money issues makes [you] willing to take action, and that’s a strong motivator to change.” Dorsey concurs, saying, “Willingness is an important component to get through the problems.”

When all is said and done, you have to make your feelings a priority. Don’t concentrate on making more money, concentrate on feeling better! Remember that you get to decide what role money plays in your life. The bottom line is amazingly simple: Take care of yourself and respect your feelings. All else will follow.

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