I pondered this rather bleak-sounding prognosis for a moment, thinking that it confirmed a lot of my and my friends’ experiences with sex in relationships – after awhile, it feels like there’s nothing new to discover, and everything sort of becomes old hat, routine – and then suddenly my friend’s grandmother totally derailed my train of thought.

“But I don’t know,” she said. “Me and the mister, well, we never did have a penny jar, but if we did, I think by now we’d be in a pile of debt!”

As it turned out, her 50-plus year marriage was still sexually vigorous and exciting, and she was, quite justifiably, tickled pink about it. How nice to know that it really is possible! We chatted more, and in the years since I had that conversation, I’ve often thought about what it takes to keep the sexual parts of a long-term relationship alive. I’ve talked to long-term couples, psychologists, my own partners, and to my fellow sex educators. While everyone agrees that there’s no “magic bullet” that is guaranteed to keep sex hot forever, it also doesn’t happen on its own. Here are some thoughts, tips, and techniques that can go a long way to help cause a severe shortage of pennies in your penny jar.

Cheap Motel Therapy – A few years back, I wrote an article about liking to go on road trips with my sweetie because I love doing the wild thing in cheap motels. I got a flood of responses from people who were thrilled to know there was someone else who liked cheap motels as much as they did, including many from women and men who used a little overnight or weekend trip to some nearby roadhouse as a way to jump-start their sex lives. Being in an anonymous little room gives us all a bit of a blank slate, a chance to let our wild side out to play. Bonus: you don’t have to wash the sheets!

Reach Out and Touch Someone – “Seventy percent of backrubs lead to sex,” a guy who was trying to seduce me once told me. Now, that may or may not be true – consider the source and what he was trying to accomplish – but it’s no secret that many a sexy interlude begins with sweet touching, stroking and massaging. Been awhile since you ran your hands up the backs of your sweetie’s thighs? Can’t remember the last time your significant other gave you a headrub? There’s no time like the present to trade a few strokes.

Go Head to Head – A little change in perspective can do amazing things. Lie flat on your backs with your feet in opposite directions but your heads side by side. You can still feel your partner’s presence, hear them and talk to them, but you can’t really see them. Do you feel how soft and warm your partner’s face feels next to yours, how intimate that seems? Whispering little secrets, maybe about things you’ve wanted to try or reminiscing about torrid times past, seems to come naturally when you lie head to head. When the talking gets juicy, don’t forget to let your fingers do some walking, stroking your own body and, if you want to, your partner’s head – ears, lips, scalp, forehead and cheeks are all very sensitive to erotic touch. Who thought putting your heads together would get you so turned on?

Schedule Some Nude Time – These days, we all have to schedule time to give our lives a chance, and that includes our sex lives. Pick one evening (or another time that works for you and your partner – at least three or four hours) every week, clear the decks and make it your time just to be together. Turn off the TV, take the phone off the hook, take your clothes off and get comfy. You don’t have to immediately start having sex – that’s not the point. The point is to have a chance to talk, and to remember that this other person in your life is more than just a housemate and a co-parent, but also a vulnerable, feeling, thinking, warm, lovable human being. It doesn’t always end in sex, and that’s okay. Just spending that kind of intimate time together can make for much better sex down the road.

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Nothing will improve your dating prospects more than a quick lesson in body language interpretation. Reading between the lines is the quickest way to know if someone likes you. When Cupid shoots his arrow, emotions manifest through bodily signs that are completely out of conscious control. But, unless you are fluent in decoding this secret language, you will miss it altogether.

Understanding the language of attraction doesn’t have to be complicated. It’s just a matter of knowing what to watch for. Once you’ve learned the signals, you’ll never have to wonder again whether or not your encounter has potential for more intimate moments.

The Missing Link

It’s time to upgrade your listening skills. The first step is to stop relying on what you hear someone say and start paying attention to what you see. Interestingly, 93 percent of what is communicated between two people is nonverbal. That’s right, only 7 percent of communication is the spoken word. We regularly neglect a significant part of language-the 23 percent that comes from tone of voice and the 70 percent spoken through body language. If you become fluent in all three areas of language, you’ll be able to see obvious signs of attraction that you might otherwise overlook.

Strike a Pose

When assessing someone’s body language, there are only two things you need to watch for in order to recognize their level of interest in you: specific body positions and biological reactions in their eyes.

When someone is attracted to you, their body will communicate it loudly and clearly. There are five key body positions to watch for. If you see any of them happen when you are near, it means only one thing-they like you! The more signals you see displayed, the stronger their attraction:

1. The trunk of their body will face you squarely
2. Their foot will be pointed in your direction
3. Their leg will be crossed toward you
4. They will invade your personal space (the invisible 20-inch circle around you)
5. They will touch you for any reason (take lint off your shirt or feel the fabric of your blouse, for example)

The Eyes Have It

The eyes have a body language all their own. A major telltale sign of how someone feels about you is the gazing pattern with which they look at you-the social gaze or the intimate gaze. Both involve the eyes scanning your face. However, each one has a distinct pattern as well as a significantly different meaning associated with it.

Most people give no thought to how they are looking at you. Because their eyes simply react naturally to their feelings, the way they take you in will vary.

The social gaze is the typical eye contact people use when they are having a conversation with someone for whom they have no romantic feelings. Basically, this is a look in which someone scans only your eyes, going back and forth from eye to eye. That’s it. If you get that look, forget it; they don’t view you romantically.

The intimate gaze involves the social gaze, plus something new. As with the social gaze, the person looks at your eyes first. Then, because they are curious about you, they can’t to resist caressing the rest of your face and hair with their eyes as the two of you talk (for example, eye to eye to mouth to eyes to hair to eyes, and so forth).

This is one secret you will want to keep to yourself. They will never know that you are sizing up their intentions by following their gazing pattern. Heck, you have to look at them when they’re talking, so why not maximize your interaction by unveiling their core feelings about you?

Revealing Hidden Reactions

A person can try to hide or manipulate all of the physical and emotional signs of attraction, but they are unable to conceal the physiological signs (a racing heart or perspiration, for example). Because biological reactions occur inside the body, they are usually not apparent to anyone but the person experiencing them. But there are two exceptions: dilated pupils and watery eyes. Both, coincidentally, are linked to interpersonal attraction. Even better, they are very noticeable when you look for them and most people have no idea that these signs of interest even exist.

The first “secret” sign of physiological attraction is dilated pupils. The size of someone’s pupils adjusts depending primarily on two things: light and attraction. The darker a room, the larger a person’s pupils will be. When someone is attracted to you, their pupils will enlarge more than is expected for their surroundings. To make this determination, all you have to do is compare their pupil size with others in the same surroundings.

As an aside, medications can also alter the size of pupils. So, if you think someone’s interested, but their pupil size is small, don’t worry. Instead, watch for other signs of attraction – in particular, body language.

Another physiological reaction that indicates that someone is attracted to you is watery eyes. It’s almost their way of cleaning off their eyes in order to capture a clearer picture of you.

One last thing to remember: body language is a two-way street. If you want to invite dating prospects to you, position your body in the five ways mentioned above to communicate your interest. Nervousness has a way of making people want to assume a closed body stance. When you let this happen, you will appear as though you’re not attracted those who find you appealing.

Proficiency in body language will take a little practice, but as soon as you remember what to look for, you’ll never have to wonder if someone is attracted to you – you’ll immediately know. No longer will you have to wonder what they’re thinking-you will know! So, if you are stressing over his motivations, it’s time to stop. You are no longer a woman who waits patiently for the words that reveal their interest. No, now you are a “decoder woman!”

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Give away “actions” show someone is attracted to you:
Leaning forward in your direction

• The front of their body will face you
• They will tilt their head
•  They will sit on the edge of their chair
• Touching their face during conversation
• Grooming behaviors (fixing hair, straightening clothes, checking teeth)

Luckily, all you have to do is watch the reactions of their body when you’re near them and you will know their thoughts.

Love letters are cherished by the recipient and are the most meaningful gift one lover can give to the other. Not only does the billet-doux make you feel loved, it allows you to re-live that feeling each time you read the letter. Although few romantic offerings carry this much weight, love letters are rarely given – not because we live in the age of tweets and texts, but because writing a tender missive has become a lost art.

Whether you wish to use many words or few, use this primer to communicate your affection to your beloved. You can be sure that your letter will create a treasured memory for your lover that will last a lifetime.

A simple framework

Writing a love letter is easier than you might think – you don’t have to be a good writer to turn out beautiful love letters. All you need is a simple framework to guide you through the process. There are three elements to a love letter:

• The opening – How you address your partner
• The middle – stating your feelings
• The end – your final words

Salutation

The opening of your letter sets the tone for that which follows, so it’s important to carefully choose your words. For instance, a letter that begins with, “My dearest love” is certainly going to elicit more feeling from your partner than an opening that reads, “Hi.” This is the time to use pet names, affectionate greetings, or a loving phrase. If you get stuck, try one of these:

• Hello, Love
• Treasured Soul Mate
• My Dearest
• Ever Dearest
• The one whom I love most
• My Darling
• Sweetheart
• My precious one
• To the one who completes me
• Most Beloved

State your feelings

Creating the body of your love letter needn’t be difficult. Reflect upon the emotions that you feel when you think of your lover, or the feelings that come up when you’re together, and write them down. Use your own words to describe the exquisite evening you shared. Share the vision you have of your future as a couple. Recollect why you fell in love in the first place, and why you continue to treasure your beloved.

To simplify this, you can quote others who describe your feelings in a way that you can’t. A thoughtful, romantic citation is sure to bowl over your lover. Here are several quotes from famous love letters for you to use in your own communications:

• “I am always conscious of my nearness to you, your presence never leaves me.” – Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
• “Away from you the world is a desert. You have taken more than my soul.” – Napoleon to Josephine
• “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” – Mae West
• “An astonishing number of kisses are flying about – the deuce! -I see a whole crowd of them! Ha! Ha! …I have just caught three – they are delicious!” – Mozart to Constanze
• “This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath, may prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.” – Shakespeare

The final word

You should choose your last words as carefully as you chose your salutation. A standard closing will leave your lover with an anticlimactic feeling. For example, a letter that ends with “Sincerely” will not make as much of an impression on your partner as “Yours for eternity.” To help ease you through this final step, here are plenty to choose from:

• Yours truly
• Yours devotedly and lovingly
• I hold you in my thoughts
• I love you the most
• Yours forever
• Most faithfully yours
• Affectionately
• More than words
• Your loving partner
• Much, much love
• All my heart

There you have it – the recipe for writing a simple love letter. Write your letter on a beautiful card, scented stationery, or even on the back of a paper napkin you picked up while you and your lover were together. You can be sure that your beloved will cherish your love letter forever.

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By any other name….

If you want to add a little je ne sais quoi to your love letter, say “I love you” in another language. Here are some examples to get you started:

Arabic: Nhebuk
Bulgarian: Obicham te
Cambodian: Bon sor lanh oon
Danish: Jeg elsker dig
Gaelic: Tha gradh agam ort
Indonesian: Saja kasih saudari
Russian: Ya vas lyublyu
Spanish: Te amo
Welsh: ‘Rwy”n dy garu di
Yiddish: Ich libe dich
Zuni: Tom ho’ ichema

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But as their married life settled into a routine, Lori found herself becoming increasingly annoyed at Ken for minor transgressions – a wet towel on the floor not being a capital crime – and letting her anger seethe when they had disagreements. Small issues would trigger Lori’s rage, and although she knew she was blowing things out of proportion, she couldn’t seem to stop herself.

Lori could feel her marriage disintegrating, and although she loved him, she couldn’t seem to let go of her anger and forgive Ken his foibles.

“Forgiveness feels impossible,” she reported. “I fight with my husband, sometimes over things that don’t even matter. I know the hurts pile up and affect our entire relationship. It’s like I want to stay angry.” Lori felt this as a burden and saw herself as being at a fork in the road: she could choose to hold on to her pain and anger or release it and move forward.

Thus, Lori began a journey of forgiveness, one that required her to go back in time before being able to work on her relationship with Ken.

“All through grammar school,” Lori recalled, “I was taunted and teased by the other kids because of my size. I felt alone and alienated from everyone – the kids at school, my teachers and my family.” Then when she was 13, Lori was molested by an older cousin, yet never told anyone about the violation. With the help of a therapist, Lori recognized that she was acting out her unresolved anger from her childhood and desire for revenge in her relationship with Ken. Lori decided that she had to forgive her childhood offenders in order to have the kind of marriage and life she wanted as an adult.

Yet, forgiveness is much easier said than done. For the most part, forgiveness seems impossible to many of us, especially when the situation feels unfair and extremely painful. If we forgive the offender, we may feel that we are excusing or minimizing his or her behavior. By remaining angry, we tend to believe that we have some control or power over the situation and that we are hurting the person who hurt us – in other words, getting even.

In reality, though, we are the only ones suffering as we tie ourselves up in negativity, believing that our happiness is dependent on staying angry. Revenge is a futile action that only imprisons and further victimizes the victim.

Granted, forgiveness is a difficult and misunderstood challenge, yet it is one of the most healing experiences we can have. Robert Enright and Gayle Reed at the International Forgiveness Institute at the University of Wisconsin-Madison define forgiveness as “a response to an injustice that is a turning to the good in the face of this wrongdoing.” Forgiveness, according to Enright and Reed, involves a “merciful restraint from pursuing resentment or revenge,” and giving instead “the gifts of mercy, generosity and love.”

Too often, forgiving and forgetting are mistakenly intertwined. It is impossible to forgive what we cannot remember, so Lori began her process by – over a period of several weeks – sitting down and writing out a list of all her past pain, associating each one with the person who hurt her.

Lori’s next step was to make a firm decision to forgive the people who had hurt her. She wrote a letter to each one, telling him or her of her decision. While she didn’t actually mail most of these letters – she no longer knew the whereabouts of many of her offenders – she knew that it was the decision to forgive that mattered.

Over the next few months, Lori reread the letters she wrote and struggled with the process of renewing and deepening her decision to forgive. She found her own stubbornness coming to the surface – all she wanted was revenge. When she found herself angry with Ken, she wanted to hurt him back. But she stayed with it, and eventually became aware of a healing process taking place within her. She felt her anger diminish and even began to experience a desire to wish goodness to those who had hurt her, recognizing that each one of them had their own story and their own pain. And she found herself less angry with her husband and better able to have disagreements without launching a thermonuclear war.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean minimizing or negating the seriousness of the violation, and it certainly doesn’t mean staying in the same house or in a relationship with someone who hurts our children or us. Yet a person can simultaneously forgive an offender and testify against him in court. It is not necessary to have an apology or even an admission of guilt from the person who has hurt us before we forgive. In fact, setting up any conditions limits our ability to forgive and prolongs the process.

In the best of circumstances, forgiveness does not happen overnight. The person who instantly forgives should be suspect, as forgiveness is not real if it is done only because we “should” forgive or if it is done without becoming fully aware of all that we feel. It takes time to become aware of the pain and time to recognize the benefits we will reap – by not dragging the anger into other relationships – from forgiveness.

It’s fairly easy to talk about forgiveness when we consider minor events that bring us pain. But what about the woman whose daughter is killed by a drunken driver? What about the loss of a loved one in a drive-by shooting? How do we forgive these actions and why should we? How do we forgive politicians who lie to us, or terrorists who blow up an airplane on which our family and hundreds of other innocent people are flying? Is it even possible to forgive these horrific crimes?

Most of us are shocked when we hear of someone who forgives the person who murdered her child. We may even get angry that they did this, perhaps because their action challenges us to do likewise.

Forgiveness feels risky to most of us. We tend to believe that if we forgive someone, they will take advantage of us again or see us as a fool. If we give up our anger we feel vulnerable, because anger tends to create a false sense of power. The reality is that the real risk is in not forgiving and becoming an angry and cynical person who brings these qualities into other relationships. When this happens, the offender has truly “won,” because we gave that person the power to ruin our lives. That becomes the real offense, and one over which we have complete control.

As Lori reread each letter for the last time, she threw it in the fireplace, watching the symbol of her anger and pain go up in flames. She felt a sense of gratitude and pride in her own willingness to forgive and move on.

This ritual also signaled a new beginning for she and Ken. They began to process their feelings more constructively when one of them hurt the other. Lori felt like she had taken on a new stance in life, one of understanding and forgiveness. It wasn’t that she never felt hurt or anger, but rather once she did, her focus was to come to a place of forgiveness.

Seldom do we see regret when the victim of a heinous, senseless crime forgives. Instead, they usually report a sense of freedom and peace.

Nothing can bring back a murdered child or one killed by a drunken driver. Nothing can bring back the innocence of a young woman who has been sexually assaulted. Forgiveness, however, frees the victim to move forward and create the best life possible for herself and those around her. It is only with forgiveness that we will become the compassionate and loving people we are destined to be.