I pondered this rather bleak-sounding prognosis for a moment, thinking that it confirmed a lot of my and my friends’ experiences with sex in relationships – after awhile, it feels like there’s nothing new to discover, and everything sort of becomes old hat, routine – and then suddenly my friend’s grandmother totally derailed my train of thought.

“But I don’t know,” she said. “Me and the mister, well, we never did have a penny jar, but if we did, I think by now we’d be in a pile of debt!”

As it turned out, her 50-plus year marriage was still sexually vigorous and exciting, and she was, quite justifiably, tickled pink about it. How nice to know that it really is possible! We chatted more, and in the years since I had that conversation, I’ve often thought about what it takes to keep the sexual parts of a long-term relationship alive. I’ve talked to long-term couples, psychologists, my own partners, and to my fellow sex educators. While everyone agrees that there’s no “magic bullet” that is guaranteed to keep sex hot forever, it also doesn’t happen on its own. Here are some thoughts, tips, and techniques that can go a long way to help cause a severe shortage of pennies in your penny jar.

Cheap Motel Therapy – A few years back, I wrote an article about liking to go on road trips with my sweetie because I love doing the wild thing in cheap motels. I got a flood of responses from people who were thrilled to know there was someone else who liked cheap motels as much as they did, including many from women and men who used a little overnight or weekend trip to some nearby roadhouse as a way to jump-start their sex lives. Being in an anonymous little room gives us all a bit of a blank slate, a chance to let our wild side out to play. Bonus: you don’t have to wash the sheets!

Reach Out and Touch Someone – “Seventy percent of backrubs lead to sex,” a guy who was trying to seduce me once told me. Now, that may or may not be true – consider the source and what he was trying to accomplish – but it’s no secret that many a sexy interlude begins with sweet touching, stroking and massaging. Been awhile since you ran your hands up the backs of your sweetie’s thighs? Can’t remember the last time your significant other gave you a headrub? There’s no time like the present to trade a few strokes.

Go Head to Head – A little change in perspective can do amazing things. Lie flat on your backs with your feet in opposite directions but your heads side by side. You can still feel your partner’s presence, hear them and talk to them, but you can’t really see them. Do you feel how soft and warm your partner’s face feels next to yours, how intimate that seems? Whispering little secrets, maybe about things you’ve wanted to try or reminiscing about torrid times past, seems to come naturally when you lie head to head. When the talking gets juicy, don’t forget to let your fingers do some walking, stroking your own body and, if you want to, your partner’s head – ears, lips, scalp, forehead and cheeks are all very sensitive to erotic touch. Who thought putting your heads together would get you so turned on?

Schedule Some Nude Time – These days, we all have to schedule time to give our lives a chance, and that includes our sex lives. Pick one evening (or another time that works for you and your partner – at least three or four hours) every week, clear the decks and make it your time just to be together. Turn off the TV, take the phone off the hook, take your clothes off and get comfy. You don’t have to immediately start having sex – that’s not the point. The point is to have a chance to talk, and to remember that this other person in your life is more than just a housemate and a co-parent, but also a vulnerable, feeling, thinking, warm, lovable human being. It doesn’t always end in sex, and that’s okay. Just spending that kind of intimate time together can make for much better sex down the road.

Delve Deeper

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Nothing will improve your dating prospects more than a quick lesson in body language interpretation. Reading between the lines is the quickest way to know if someone likes you. When Cupid shoots his arrow, emotions manifest through bodily signs that are completely out of conscious control. But, unless you are fluent in decoding this secret language, you will miss it altogether.

Understanding the language of attraction doesn’t have to be complicated. It’s just a matter of knowing what to watch for. Once you’ve learned the signals, you’ll never have to wonder again whether or not your encounter has potential for more intimate moments.

The Missing Link

It’s time to upgrade your listening skills. The first step is to stop relying on what you hear someone say and start paying attention to what you see. Interestingly, 93 percent of what is communicated between two people is nonverbal. That’s right, only 7 percent of communication is the spoken word. We regularly neglect a significant part of language-the 23 percent that comes from tone of voice and the 70 percent spoken through body language. If you become fluent in all three areas of language, you’ll be able to see obvious signs of attraction that you might otherwise overlook.

Strike a Pose

When assessing someone’s body language, there are only two things you need to watch for in order to recognize their level of interest in you: specific body positions and biological reactions in their eyes.

When someone is attracted to you, their body will communicate it loudly and clearly. There are five key body positions to watch for. If you see any of them happen when you are near, it means only one thing-they like you! The more signals you see displayed, the stronger their attraction:

1. The trunk of their body will face you squarely
2. Their foot will be pointed in your direction
3. Their leg will be crossed toward you
4. They will invade your personal space (the invisible 20-inch circle around you)
5. They will touch you for any reason (take lint off your shirt or feel the fabric of your blouse, for example)

The Eyes Have It

The eyes have a body language all their own. A major telltale sign of how someone feels about you is the gazing pattern with which they look at you-the social gaze or the intimate gaze. Both involve the eyes scanning your face. However, each one has a distinct pattern as well as a significantly different meaning associated with it.

Most people give no thought to how they are looking at you. Because their eyes simply react naturally to their feelings, the way they take you in will vary.

The social gaze is the typical eye contact people use when they are having a conversation with someone for whom they have no romantic feelings. Basically, this is a look in which someone scans only your eyes, going back and forth from eye to eye. That’s it. If you get that look, forget it; they don’t view you romantically.

The intimate gaze involves the social gaze, plus something new. As with the social gaze, the person looks at your eyes first. Then, because they are curious about you, they can’t to resist caressing the rest of your face and hair with their eyes as the two of you talk (for example, eye to eye to mouth to eyes to hair to eyes, and so forth).

This is one secret you will want to keep to yourself. They will never know that you are sizing up their intentions by following their gazing pattern. Heck, you have to look at them when they’re talking, so why not maximize your interaction by unveiling their core feelings about you?

Revealing Hidden Reactions

A person can try to hide or manipulate all of the physical and emotional signs of attraction, but they are unable to conceal the physiological signs (a racing heart or perspiration, for example). Because biological reactions occur inside the body, they are usually not apparent to anyone but the person experiencing them. But there are two exceptions: dilated pupils and watery eyes. Both, coincidentally, are linked to interpersonal attraction. Even better, they are very noticeable when you look for them and most people have no idea that these signs of interest even exist.

The first “secret” sign of physiological attraction is dilated pupils. The size of someone’s pupils adjusts depending primarily on two things: light and attraction. The darker a room, the larger a person’s pupils will be. When someone is attracted to you, their pupils will enlarge more than is expected for their surroundings. To make this determination, all you have to do is compare their pupil size with others in the same surroundings.

As an aside, medications can also alter the size of pupils. So, if you think someone’s interested, but their pupil size is small, don’t worry. Instead, watch for other signs of attraction – in particular, body language.

Another physiological reaction that indicates that someone is attracted to you is watery eyes. It’s almost their way of cleaning off their eyes in order to capture a clearer picture of you.

One last thing to remember: body language is a two-way street. If you want to invite dating prospects to you, position your body in the five ways mentioned above to communicate your interest. Nervousness has a way of making people want to assume a closed body stance. When you let this happen, you will appear as though you’re not attracted those who find you appealing.

Proficiency in body language will take a little practice, but as soon as you remember what to look for, you’ll never have to wonder if someone is attracted to you – you’ll immediately know. No longer will you have to wonder what they’re thinking-you will know! So, if you are stressing over his motivations, it’s time to stop. You are no longer a woman who waits patiently for the words that reveal their interest. No, now you are a “decoder woman!”

Delve Deeper

Give away “actions” show someone is attracted to you:
Leaning forward in your direction

• The front of their body will face you
• They will tilt their head
•  They will sit on the edge of their chair
• Touching their face during conversation
• Grooming behaviors (fixing hair, straightening clothes, checking teeth)

Luckily, all you have to do is watch the reactions of their body when you’re near them and you will know their thoughts.

Love letters are cherished by the recipient and are the most meaningful gift one lover can give to the other. Not only does the billet-doux make you feel loved, it allows you to re-live that feeling each time you read the letter. Although few romantic offerings carry this much weight, love letters are rarely given – not because we live in the age of tweets and texts, but because writing a tender missive has become a lost art.

Whether you wish to use many words or few, use this primer to communicate your affection to your beloved. You can be sure that your letter will create a treasured memory for your lover that will last a lifetime.

A simple framework

Writing a love letter is easier than you might think – you don’t have to be a good writer to turn out beautiful love letters. All you need is a simple framework to guide you through the process. There are three elements to a love letter:

• The opening – How you address your partner
• The middle – stating your feelings
• The end – your final words

Salutation

The opening of your letter sets the tone for that which follows, so it’s important to carefully choose your words. For instance, a letter that begins with, “My dearest love” is certainly going to elicit more feeling from your partner than an opening that reads, “Hi.” This is the time to use pet names, affectionate greetings, or a loving phrase. If you get stuck, try one of these:

• Hello, Love
• Treasured Soul Mate
• My Dearest
• Ever Dearest
• The one whom I love most
• My Darling
• Sweetheart
• My precious one
• To the one who completes me
• Most Beloved

State your feelings

Creating the body of your love letter needn’t be difficult. Reflect upon the emotions that you feel when you think of your lover, or the feelings that come up when you’re together, and write them down. Use your own words to describe the exquisite evening you shared. Share the vision you have of your future as a couple. Recollect why you fell in love in the first place, and why you continue to treasure your beloved.

To simplify this, you can quote others who describe your feelings in a way that you can’t. A thoughtful, romantic citation is sure to bowl over your lover. Here are several quotes from famous love letters for you to use in your own communications:

• “I am always conscious of my nearness to you, your presence never leaves me.” – Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
• “Away from you the world is a desert. You have taken more than my soul.” – Napoleon to Josephine
• “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” – Mae West
• “An astonishing number of kisses are flying about – the deuce! -I see a whole crowd of them! Ha! Ha! …I have just caught three – they are delicious!” – Mozart to Constanze
• “This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath, may prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.” – Shakespeare

The final word

You should choose your last words as carefully as you chose your salutation. A standard closing will leave your lover with an anticlimactic feeling. For example, a letter that ends with “Sincerely” will not make as much of an impression on your partner as “Yours for eternity.” To help ease you through this final step, here are plenty to choose from:

• Yours truly
• Yours devotedly and lovingly
• I hold you in my thoughts
• I love you the most
• Yours forever
• Most faithfully yours
• Affectionately
• More than words
• Your loving partner
• Much, much love
• All my heart

There you have it – the recipe for writing a simple love letter. Write your letter on a beautiful card, scented stationery, or even on the back of a paper napkin you picked up while you and your lover were together. You can be sure that your beloved will cherish your love letter forever.

Delve Deeper

By any other name….

If you want to add a little je ne sais quoi to your love letter, say “I love you” in another language. Here are some examples to get you started:

Arabic: Nhebuk
Bulgarian: Obicham te
Cambodian: Bon sor lanh oon
Danish: Jeg elsker dig
Gaelic: Tha gradh agam ort
Indonesian: Saja kasih saudari
Russian: Ya vas lyublyu
Spanish: Te amo
Welsh: ‘Rwy”n dy garu di
Yiddish: Ich libe dich
Zuni: Tom ho’ ichema

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I should be freaking out. I should be worrying about wrinkles and taking vitamins for memory loss and ridiculing the Beiber crowd (well, okay, I AM doing that!) and perpetually celebrating my 29th birthday. But to my own surprise, I’m not.

Instead, I find myself being glad that my 20s are finally behind me, and I’m looking forward to what the next decade has in store. I am either totally at peace or in complete denial.

At 30, I have finally come to terms with my body. For the last 20 years, I’ve tried every diet and pill and regimen to lose weight. I never gave up the hope that life would start when I was thin. I put off buying “investment” clothes because I just knew I was going to lose weight and wouldn’t be able to wear those larger sizes. I knew that once I lost weight I would find a husband and have kids. I knew that once I lost weight, everything would be different. In fact, rumor has it that weight loss is the key to world peace. But I’ve decided I’m not going to be the one to test that theory.

At 30, I’ve realized that my size is part of who I am; I’ve stopped thinking ahead to “when I am thin.” I am learning to be comfortable with myself the way I am, and to live my life as I am. I don’t make excuses for my size anymore, and I don’t let myself get embarrassed if someone says something about it. I finally feel like I am getting to know myself, and I wouldn’t trade that for another 21st birthday.

At 30, people stop asking why you aren’t married yet. I’m not sure if they’re afraid of what your answer will be, if they’ve started to believe you’ve “made an alternative lifestyle choice,” or if they’re just afraid they’ll reduce you to tears. I don’t care what their reasons are. All I know is that they’ve left me alone, and I couldn’t be happier. Being perceived as an old maid is a small price to pay for peace and quiet. I would like to get married and start a family in the next decade, but I’m not putting everything else on hold waiting for that to happen. I’ll work a family into the life I build, not build a life around my family.

At 30, some people think you get the leftovers in mates. Not so. Personally, I believe I’ve got the best of the bunch from which to choose. All the boys that had “issues” to work out in their 20s have worked them out at someone else’s expense, leaving relationships free of the drama and baggage. Plus, all the ambitious guys who were too busy making a success of themselves after college are now on top of their careers and ready for some fun. These men can also afford bigger engagement rings, which you can proudly show off to acquaintances who, married at 23, have the “starter” rings to show for it. These rings were the source of much envy at 25; at 30 they are merely small and inconsequential.

At 30, the biological clock actually ticks a little slower. Around 26, you look admiringly into baby carriages and smile to yourself with longing. Good news! On your 30th birthday, albeit temporarily, this condition reverses itself. I’m not sure if it’s watching the lives of all my friends who have children unfold, or the desire for a second round of freedom and fun that comes with a more stable financial situation, but I’d rather sit at a café in Europe with a good book than trudge around Disney World with two toddlers.

At 30, women finally hit their sexual peak. We’re better at it, our partners are better at it, and everyone is a lot less inhibited. That’s what I’ve heard. Check back with me in a few years and I’ll let you know. But thinking back to a cramped twin bed in a shared college dormitory room, I don’t think any woman spends much time longing for 22 again.

At 30, I realize that it is not too late to do the things I’ve wanted to do, and more importantly, I don’t feel the need to put any age limits on those plans. I am finally on my own, completely in control and in a comfortable place in my life.

Perhaps because we live in such a transient society, searching for one’s roots has never been so popular. Just ask Cyndi Howells, plus-size owner and webmaster of the award-winning Cyndi’s List of Genealogy Sites on the Internet (www.cyndislist.com), a categorized index to more than a quarter million online resources for people working on their family tree.

Howells’ quest for her roots began as a high school project, when she filled in a chart using information her grandmother had found. “Through the years, I worked on my family tree off and on, doing what I could,” she recalls. “When my dad got a computer, I entered the information I had gathered on his program.”

When she decided to give up her job in international banking to stay home and have a baby, Howells delved more deeply into genealogy. She and her husband, Mark, who live in the Tacoma, Wash. Area, bought a computer and went online. “When I made up a list of computer genealogy bookmarks for my fellow members of the Tacoma-Pierce County Genealogical Society, they asked for more,” Howells says. “Mark said we needed to have a website, so I taught myself HTML programming and began Cyndi’s List on March 4, 1996.”

Although Howells has the best-known site for online resources, she cautions that the Web isn’t necessarily the best place to start in your search for your ancestors. “You can’t find everything online,” she says. “Every family is unique. Start with yourself and talk to parents, aunts, and uncles about your family history. Then come back to the computer.”

Howells, who spends eight to 12 hours each day working on her site and doesn’t do research for individuals, chuckles at the requests she receives from people who don’t understand the time commitment that family history research requires.

“One woman sent this e-mail to me [which said], ‘I have a family reunion next weekend. Can you send my family history?’ Then a man asked me to send an alphabetical list to him of all the people living in the United States!” Howells exclaims.

Courtney Cannon Scott didn’t initially realize what was involved in genealogical research. “My dad died five years ago, but he always wanted to know more about his family. I thought I could do this for him, thinking it wouldn’t take long.” Now, the Atlanta-based Scott is a syndicated columnist whose genealogical tips and advice appear in 215 African-American newspapers across the U.S. “I love crossword puzzles and genealogy is a giant puzzle,” she reveals.

Scott has traced her dad’s family back to 1860 and her mother’s family to 1900. When working on family history before the Civil War, Scott explains that locating African-American ancestors can be a challenge. But, she advises, “In 1850 and 1860, some Southern states had slave censuses. Slaves were listed by household under their owner’s name. Look for the family group you need. Go to local records to check owners’ wills because slaves were property and were accounted for.”

Scott, a plus-size mother of four and grandmother of two, says, “I tell people that if they don’t do anything else, write names on the backs of photos. We have to remember who we are and pay more attention to family. Your individual history is an integral part of our comprehensive history as a people.”

“I wish every day that I had started genealogy earlier and talked to aunts and uncles that are now gone,” Scott concludes. “Now, I’m trying to make the best use of my time.”

Delve Deeper: Getting Started

Your family history is likely to be a fascinating story of life, love and dreams. It’s also an integral part of who you are. Here are some tips to start you on your journey of tracing your own roots:

1. Start with yourself and your immediate family. Write down all of the birth, marriage, and death dates and locations that you know for each person. Then go back to the previous generation and do the same.
2. Document your work. Never accept someone else’s word as the truth unless you see documentation that proves their claims. Anyone can make a mistake or a wrong assumption. Relatives sometimes don’t remember things as clearly as they think, so look for proof to back up the facts they provide.
3. Before beginning your research at the library, ask the reference librarian to list the materials available for your use.
4. Be flexible when researching your surname. Census-takers in the past were usually not well educated and sometimes spelled names the way they sounded. Often, the people interviewed by the census-takers did not know how to spell their names. For example, the name Scifres is found in old records as Cypher, Sifers, Scifers, Ciphers, Syphers and other variations. Immigrants to America may have landed with one surname and then Americanized it to something else, either by choice or because of the way they were listed by immigration officials.
5. Keep your family files organized and note where you located each piece of information. For example: The Jeffersonville Evening News, March 2, 1900, page 2, column 4. Jeffersonville Township Public Library, June 10, 2000.
6. Carry supplies with you when you do research: coins for the copy machine, a lighted magnifying glass for hard-to-read print, pens, pencils, paper, and family group sheets with the information about your ancestors.
7. Keep photos and papers in clear, archival-safe sleeves or pages to slow the deterioration process. Identify all photos with names, dates and places, using a pen with acid-free ink.
8. Talk to your children and grandchildren about your family history. Write or tape record all of the information that you can. Don’t forget to tell them about your life, especially your childhood memories. Each generation has different experiences, and your descendants will be interested in how you lived as a child.

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But as their married life settled into a routine, Lori found herself becoming increasingly annoyed at Ken for minor transgressions – a wet towel on the floor not being a capital crime – and letting her anger seethe when they had disagreements. Small issues would trigger Lori’s rage, and although she knew she was blowing things out of proportion, she couldn’t seem to stop herself.

Lori could feel her marriage disintegrating, and although she loved him, she couldn’t seem to let go of her anger and forgive Ken his foibles.

“Forgiveness feels impossible,” she reported. “I fight with my husband, sometimes over things that don’t even matter. I know the hurts pile up and affect our entire relationship. It’s like I want to stay angry.” Lori felt this as a burden and saw herself as being at a fork in the road: she could choose to hold on to her pain and anger or release it and move forward.

Thus, Lori began a journey of forgiveness, one that required her to go back in time before being able to work on her relationship with Ken.

“All through grammar school,” Lori recalled, “I was taunted and teased by the other kids because of my size. I felt alone and alienated from everyone – the kids at school, my teachers and my family.” Then when she was 13, Lori was molested by an older cousin, yet never told anyone about the violation. With the help of a therapist, Lori recognized that she was acting out her unresolved anger from her childhood and desire for revenge in her relationship with Ken. Lori decided that she had to forgive her childhood offenders in order to have the kind of marriage and life she wanted as an adult.

Yet, forgiveness is much easier said than done. For the most part, forgiveness seems impossible to many of us, especially when the situation feels unfair and extremely painful. If we forgive the offender, we may feel that we are excusing or minimizing his or her behavior. By remaining angry, we tend to believe that we have some control or power over the situation and that we are hurting the person who hurt us – in other words, getting even.

In reality, though, we are the only ones suffering as we tie ourselves up in negativity, believing that our happiness is dependent on staying angry. Revenge is a futile action that only imprisons and further victimizes the victim.

Granted, forgiveness is a difficult and misunderstood challenge, yet it is one of the most healing experiences we can have. Robert Enright and Gayle Reed at the International Forgiveness Institute at the University of Wisconsin-Madison define forgiveness as “a response to an injustice that is a turning to the good in the face of this wrongdoing.” Forgiveness, according to Enright and Reed, involves a “merciful restraint from pursuing resentment or revenge,” and giving instead “the gifts of mercy, generosity and love.”

Too often, forgiving and forgetting are mistakenly intertwined. It is impossible to forgive what we cannot remember, so Lori began her process by – over a period of several weeks – sitting down and writing out a list of all her past pain, associating each one with the person who hurt her.

Lori’s next step was to make a firm decision to forgive the people who had hurt her. She wrote a letter to each one, telling him or her of her decision. While she didn’t actually mail most of these letters – she no longer knew the whereabouts of many of her offenders – she knew that it was the decision to forgive that mattered.

Over the next few months, Lori reread the letters she wrote and struggled with the process of renewing and deepening her decision to forgive. She found her own stubbornness coming to the surface – all she wanted was revenge. When she found herself angry with Ken, she wanted to hurt him back. But she stayed with it, and eventually became aware of a healing process taking place within her. She felt her anger diminish and even began to experience a desire to wish goodness to those who had hurt her, recognizing that each one of them had their own story and their own pain. And she found herself less angry with her husband and better able to have disagreements without launching a thermonuclear war.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean minimizing or negating the seriousness of the violation, and it certainly doesn’t mean staying in the same house or in a relationship with someone who hurts our children or us. Yet a person can simultaneously forgive an offender and testify against him in court. It is not necessary to have an apology or even an admission of guilt from the person who has hurt us before we forgive. In fact, setting up any conditions limits our ability to forgive and prolongs the process.

In the best of circumstances, forgiveness does not happen overnight. The person who instantly forgives should be suspect, as forgiveness is not real if it is done only because we “should” forgive or if it is done without becoming fully aware of all that we feel. It takes time to become aware of the pain and time to recognize the benefits we will reap – by not dragging the anger into other relationships – from forgiveness.

It’s fairly easy to talk about forgiveness when we consider minor events that bring us pain. But what about the woman whose daughter is killed by a drunken driver? What about the loss of a loved one in a drive-by shooting? How do we forgive these actions and why should we? How do we forgive politicians who lie to us, or terrorists who blow up an airplane on which our family and hundreds of other innocent people are flying? Is it even possible to forgive these horrific crimes?

Most of us are shocked when we hear of someone who forgives the person who murdered her child. We may even get angry that they did this, perhaps because their action challenges us to do likewise.

Forgiveness feels risky to most of us. We tend to believe that if we forgive someone, they will take advantage of us again or see us as a fool. If we give up our anger we feel vulnerable, because anger tends to create a false sense of power. The reality is that the real risk is in not forgiving and becoming an angry and cynical person who brings these qualities into other relationships. When this happens, the offender has truly “won,” because we gave that person the power to ruin our lives. That becomes the real offense, and one over which we have complete control.

As Lori reread each letter for the last time, she threw it in the fireplace, watching the symbol of her anger and pain go up in flames. She felt a sense of gratitude and pride in her own willingness to forgive and move on.

This ritual also signaled a new beginning for she and Ken. They began to process their feelings more constructively when one of them hurt the other. Lori felt like she had taken on a new stance in life, one of understanding and forgiveness. It wasn’t that she never felt hurt or anger, but rather once she did, her focus was to come to a place of forgiveness.

Seldom do we see regret when the victim of a heinous, senseless crime forgives. Instead, they usually report a sense of freedom and peace.

Nothing can bring back a murdered child or one killed by a drunken driver. Nothing can bring back the innocence of a young woman who has been sexually assaulted. Forgiveness, however, frees the victim to move forward and create the best life possible for herself and those around her. It is only with forgiveness that we will become the compassionate and loving people we are destined to be.

For example, think about Sophia Loren, Cher, Julia Roberts. What do you immediately see? Shoulders out to infinity, cheekbones with actual angles, chins (not only prominent but only one to a customer), and maybe in Cher’s case a whole lot more, but that’s another story best set to the Academy Awards’ theme song.

Back to my own gene pool. Maybe I should first blame my parents. My father didn’t have much of a chin; my mother’s shoulders were fairly small. But then, even though they both came from farm families, I don’t think they chose each other on the basis of producing a Super Physical Specimen. I think they just loved each other deeply and passed on even more love to whoever came along.

Hooray!

So maybe I ought to blame the media. Think of all those gorgeous women I used to watch in the movies, clothes hanging from shoulders as wide as hangars (airplane, not closet), chins jutting far enough out to catch the ashes from their cigarettes. Actual cheekbone configurations were a bit harder to discern since they were usually clouded in the smoke swirling up from their omnipresent cigarettes. But they often seemed like pretty wimpy women, totally dependent on what men (and other highly judgmental women) thought about them. And many of them wore high heels while they were cleaning house. Boo, hiss!

OK, it had to be society. Somebody Out There was making decisions about the relative value of long legs and short hair or wide shoulders and narrow noses. And they were doing a superb job of convincing impressionable young women and horny young men that these were the attributes that made for a Fine Person and Suitable Mate. Since so many of them were off mating when I was off at college having huge fun debating heavy issues and moral conundrums, I decided to ignore society’s dictates about looks. Society clearly had weird priorities. Evolution needed to take us toward transparent skulls so we could learn to revere brains at work as much as we do rippling muscles elsewhere. Ah ha!

But where does that leave me on those days when nagging doubts about skeletal deficiencies still want to invade my mind. Who’s left to blame – video games, the NRA, the NBA, the NFL? Nah!

Actually I have found peace at last. Enter the millennia-old theory of reincarnation, which is finally taking hold in our New Age consciousness. I can choose next time around. I can pick my bones! I can also have sparkling eyes, the world’s most engaging grin, a sleek body, and no shoulders or chins to worry about. Terrific!

That’s right. Next time around I’m coming back as a dolphin!

Mother-daughter relationships run the gamut, but have one common denominator: this relationship is probably the most powerful and influential relationship in a woman’s life. This is true whether the mother is present or absent, loving or abusive, birth mother, stepmother or adoptive mother. Mothers matter more than many women want to admit.

As women, there are many areas that are deeply impacted by the relationship we had or did not have with our mothers: our relationships with partners, friends, and children; our ability to be intimate; and our confidence and self-image. Many of us look in a mirror and see our mothers looking back at us. We speak to our children and hear our mother’s words coming out of our mouths.

As a group, mothers are held to very high expectations. We, consciously or unconsciously, demand that they love perfectly, live selflessly and never make mistakes. Yet mothers are just women with the same needs, the same self-esteem issues, and the same weaknesses and strengths as everyone else. If only we could see that. Instead, daughters tend to lay on their mothers the expectation of being super-mom, while many mothers tend to displace their own needs on their daughters. Thus begin the conflicts.

The good news is that within every mother-daughter relationship there is a potential for growth. The void felt by the woman whose mother died when she was 13 or by the woman who never knew a mother becomes a starting place. The awareness of that void can lead her to look at herself. The pain created by that void can become a catalyst in her search for an identity. It is a call to action, an opportunity to develop and affirm self-worth and determine who she wishes to be.

A woman whose relationship with her mother is filled with conflict presents different opportunities and challenges. Friction in the mother-daughter relationship is inevitable. Two women from two different generations (each with her own history, needs and agendas) are going to clash. These skirmishes – past or present – occur around everything from appearance, clothing and dating, to food issues and relationships. But even a history of battles can ultimately lead to insight, growth and even closeness if properly used.

A starting place for the mother or daughter who wants to work out differences is to be willing to take the risk of asking the other to make a commitment to work on the relationship. This sometimes means swallowing one’s pride, putting differences aside temporarily and even feeling as if you’ve lost the battle. Taking the first step breaks the cycle and opens the door to resolution.

If both of you are committed to working on establishing a healthy relationship, it is essential to set time aside regularly over a period of weeks in order to identify the issues and begin the healing process. Listening to the other without interruption, defensive behavior or judgment is demanding but essential. As one of you puts forth her concerns, it is the responsibility of the other to remain open-minded and to attempt to put herself in the shoes of the speaker. Processing on a regular basis until all issues are either resolved or until you “agree to disagree” and move into a new relationship can take months. If you find you need help in your discussions, a therapist can act as a mediator. A therapist is especially helpful if one of the two is more committed and/or more capable of processing than the other. During these months it can also be helpful for the two of you to relax and enjoy each other’s company. Going to a movie, having lunch, shopping, remembering the good times in the past are all salves over deep wounds. Putting your differences aside during these times is a challenge but possible if both of you are committed to healing.

Ultimately, acceptance of each other becomes the key to mending and healing any relationship. If we remove expectations and understand that each person (mother or daughter) is just another human being hopefully doing the best she can at any given moment, the chances for creating forgiveness and friendship present themselves.

That’s not to say this process is easy. Relationships are complicated and the mother-daughter relationship is perhaps the most complicated of all. But hidden within each relationship is a magnificent opportunity. Healing the pain does not necessarily mean that the two of you will walk off into the sunset with your arms around each other. It does mean that, in order to find the happiness you seek, each of you resolves to let go of the past, sets a path for the future, and turns the voids and pains of the past into golden opportunities.

When Mom is Unavailable

If your mother is unavailable or unwilling to sit down and talk with you and to wrestle with the issues that have grown up in your relationship, here are some options for healing:

1. Befriend a mentor, perhaps an older woman, who models some of your values. She may be a teacher, a neighbor or even a grandparent. This person is free of the expectations mothers tend to have and can bring that freedom to the relationship. Let her accompany you on your journey, providing a safe environment in which to find your identity and explore life.

2. Reach out to challenges and find successes that enhance your self-esteem and confidence. Take a class, learn something new or make new friends.

3. Seek out a therapist with whom you can explore those painful places, purge the pain and move on with your life.

4. Mother yourself in ways that enhance self-esteem, boost confidence and heal your pain. Certain media and life experiences demonstrate how a caring mother treats her daughter. Begin to treat yourself this way by listening to and honoring your own voice, and by taking care of yourself. Indulge yourself with a new book, a weekend away, a women’s group or something else you enjoy. Begin to do for yourself all those things your mother would have provided for you if she could have.

Have Fun with Mom

• Go away together for the weekend. Explore the outdoors, walk along the water’s edge, or just go to a motel to swim, relax and have dinner together. Make sure to spend time individually as well.
• Spend a day at a spa having massages, manicures and pedicures. Sprinkle the day generously with good laughs, a nice lunch and a promise to do this again.
• Recreate some of the fun times you may have shared or wished you had shared when you were a child: visit an amusement park, pack a picnic lunch, play Frisbee, or go to the park and swing.
• Go to a movie and then discuss it over coffee afterwards.
• Invite other mothers and daughters for a pajama party. Rent some movies for discussion, share stories, and eat junk food.
• Go through photo albums of the past and laugh and cry together about the contents. Make a list of memories and share them.
• Read the same book and share your opinions about it.

Hints regarding effective communication

Mirror Talk: Listen to the other for 10 minutes. Repeat back to her what she said. Check to see if you are correct. Repeat this process until the speaker tells you that you “got it” and until the speaker feels heard.

Interrupting: Do not interrupt and do not monopolize the conversation.

Listening: Listen…. Do not just wait until the speaker is finished so that you can talk. Communication demands a union of two people.

Judgment: Do not judge the other. Accept her as she is. This does not mean you agree with the other but that you allow her to be who she is and have her own feelings and attitudes.

Advice: Don’t offer advice unless it is requested.

Openness: Notice how easily you relate to other women’s mothers. Note the absence of defensiveness. Note the acceptance. Attempt to bring that attitude to the conflicted relationship.

Control: Give up attempts to control others. No one wants to be controlled and that is frequently a source of conflict in mother-daughter relationships. The need to control is fear based and only creates barriers in a relationship.

Blame: Blaming others serves as a barrier to healing and moving on. It is a useless venture and needs to be avoided when two people are attempting to resolve differences. Instead, you must assume responsibility for your role in the conflicts, focusing attention on how you contributed to the problems under discussion, and what you can do to change.