I pondered this rather bleak-sounding prognosis for a moment, thinking that it confirmed a lot of my and my friends’ experiences with sex in relationships – after awhile, it feels like there’s nothing new to discover, and everything sort of becomes old hat, routine – and then suddenly my friend’s grandmother totally derailed my train of thought.

“But I don’t know,” she said. “Me and the mister, well, we never did have a penny jar, but if we did, I think by now we’d be in a pile of debt!”

As it turned out, her 50-plus year marriage was still sexually vigorous and exciting, and she was, quite justifiably, tickled pink about it. How nice to know that it really is possible! We chatted more, and in the years since I had that conversation, I’ve often thought about what it takes to keep the sexual parts of a long-term relationship alive. I’ve talked to long-term couples, psychologists, my own partners, and to my fellow sex educators. While everyone agrees that there’s no “magic bullet” that is guaranteed to keep sex hot forever, it also doesn’t happen on its own. Here are some thoughts, tips, and techniques that can go a long way to help cause a severe shortage of pennies in your penny jar.

Cheap Motel Therapy – A few years back, I wrote an article about liking to go on road trips with my sweetie because I love doing the wild thing in cheap motels. I got a flood of responses from people who were thrilled to know there was someone else who liked cheap motels as much as they did, including many from women and men who used a little overnight or weekend trip to some nearby roadhouse as a way to jump-start their sex lives. Being in an anonymous little room gives us all a bit of a blank slate, a chance to let our wild side out to play. Bonus: you don’t have to wash the sheets!

Reach Out and Touch Someone – “Seventy percent of backrubs lead to sex,” a guy who was trying to seduce me once told me. Now, that may or may not be true – consider the source and what he was trying to accomplish – but it’s no secret that many a sexy interlude begins with sweet touching, stroking and massaging. Been awhile since you ran your hands up the backs of your sweetie’s thighs? Can’t remember the last time your significant other gave you a headrub? There’s no time like the present to trade a few strokes.

Go Head to Head – A little change in perspective can do amazing things. Lie flat on your backs with your feet in opposite directions but your heads side by side. You can still feel your partner’s presence, hear them and talk to them, but you can’t really see them. Do you feel how soft and warm your partner’s face feels next to yours, how intimate that seems? Whispering little secrets, maybe about things you’ve wanted to try or reminiscing about torrid times past, seems to come naturally when you lie head to head. When the talking gets juicy, don’t forget to let your fingers do some walking, stroking your own body and, if you want to, your partner’s head – ears, lips, scalp, forehead and cheeks are all very sensitive to erotic touch. Who thought putting your heads together would get you so turned on?

Schedule Some Nude Time – These days, we all have to schedule time to give our lives a chance, and that includes our sex lives. Pick one evening (or another time that works for you and your partner – at least three or four hours) every week, clear the decks and make it your time just to be together. Turn off the TV, take the phone off the hook, take your clothes off and get comfy. You don’t have to immediately start having sex – that’s not the point. The point is to have a chance to talk, and to remember that this other person in your life is more than just a housemate and a co-parent, but also a vulnerable, feeling, thinking, warm, lovable human being. It doesn’t always end in sex, and that’s okay. Just spending that kind of intimate time together can make for much better sex down the road.

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Love letters are cherished by the recipient and are the most meaningful gift one lover can give to the other. Not only does the billet-doux make you feel loved, it allows you to re-live that feeling each time you read the letter. Although few romantic offerings carry this much weight, love letters are rarely given – not because we live in the age of tweets and texts, but because writing a tender missive has become a lost art.

Whether you wish to use many words or few, use this primer to communicate your affection to your beloved. You can be sure that your letter will create a treasured memory for your lover that will last a lifetime.

A simple framework

Writing a love letter is easier than you might think – you don’t have to be a good writer to turn out beautiful love letters. All you need is a simple framework to guide you through the process. There are three elements to a love letter:

• The opening – How you address your partner
• The middle – stating your feelings
• The end – your final words

Salutation

The opening of your letter sets the tone for that which follows, so it’s important to carefully choose your words. For instance, a letter that begins with, “My dearest love” is certainly going to elicit more feeling from your partner than an opening that reads, “Hi.” This is the time to use pet names, affectionate greetings, or a loving phrase. If you get stuck, try one of these:

• Hello, Love
• Treasured Soul Mate
• My Dearest
• Ever Dearest
• The one whom I love most
• My Darling
• Sweetheart
• My precious one
• To the one who completes me
• Most Beloved

State your feelings

Creating the body of your love letter needn’t be difficult. Reflect upon the emotions that you feel when you think of your lover, or the feelings that come up when you’re together, and write them down. Use your own words to describe the exquisite evening you shared. Share the vision you have of your future as a couple. Recollect why you fell in love in the first place, and why you continue to treasure your beloved.

To simplify this, you can quote others who describe your feelings in a way that you can’t. A thoughtful, romantic citation is sure to bowl over your lover. Here are several quotes from famous love letters for you to use in your own communications:

• “I am always conscious of my nearness to you, your presence never leaves me.” – Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
• “Away from you the world is a desert. You have taken more than my soul.” – Napoleon to Josephine
• “I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.” – Mae West
• “An astonishing number of kisses are flying about – the deuce! -I see a whole crowd of them! Ha! Ha! …I have just caught three – they are delicious!” – Mozart to Constanze
• “This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath, may prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.” – Shakespeare

The final word

You should choose your last words as carefully as you chose your salutation. A standard closing will leave your lover with an anticlimactic feeling. For example, a letter that ends with “Sincerely” will not make as much of an impression on your partner as “Yours for eternity.” To help ease you through this final step, here are plenty to choose from:

• Yours truly
• Yours devotedly and lovingly
• I hold you in my thoughts
• I love you the most
• Yours forever
• Most faithfully yours
• Affectionately
• More than words
• Your loving partner
• Much, much love
• All my heart

There you have it – the recipe for writing a simple love letter. Write your letter on a beautiful card, scented stationery, or even on the back of a paper napkin you picked up while you and your lover were together. You can be sure that your beloved will cherish your love letter forever.

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By any other name….

If you want to add a little je ne sais quoi to your love letter, say “I love you” in another language. Here are some examples to get you started:

Arabic: Nhebuk
Bulgarian: Obicham te
Cambodian: Bon sor lanh oon
Danish: Jeg elsker dig
Gaelic: Tha gradh agam ort
Indonesian: Saja kasih saudari
Russian: Ya vas lyublyu
Spanish: Te amo
Welsh: ‘Rwy”n dy garu di
Yiddish: Ich libe dich
Zuni: Tom ho’ ichema

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